Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Mystical Creature Parts Edition (Unicorn Horn Dildos)

I’ve touched (har!) on unicorn horn dildos in previous WSTOTW posts, but ya’ll – there have been developments on that front.

While I don’t think I’ll ever stop being super sad that Whipspider Rubberworks went under, I can thankfully console myself with SO GODDAMN MANY cryptozoological faux-wangs that Harry Fuckin’ Potter would start blushing.

First up, a dazzling array of color choices, and sizes ranging from Take it Tinkerbell  (6″ x 1.5″) to HOLY NARNIA (11″ x 2.75″) – check out these rainbow unicorn horn dildos:

split_peaches_unicorn_horn_dildos

Silicone Unicorn Horn Dildos from Split Peaches ($60-$120)

The horny (I know, I know) goodness doesn’t stop there, either. You had to know there were more of these things. Have I ever given you a single weirdo thing to contemplate by its lonesome? Other than the infamous excrement dildo?

My newest silicone-casting crush, the fuckin brilliant pervs over at Geeky Sex Toys, have their own variation that’s a bit more – er – to the point, shall we say? At 7.5″ x 1.75″, they’ve got all the texture and shimmer you’d ever want out of a unicorn horn dildo.

geeky_sex_toys_unicorn_horn_dildos

Silicone Unicorn Horn Dildos from GeekySexToys ($50)

And…last but not least, I always try and toss a smaller maker into my WSTOTW list, because hey – indie sex toy makers need love too! Though her shop be small, LemonTartToys be mighty – she’s got some seriously pretty silicone Unicorn Horn dildos! At 7.5″ x 2″ diameter, they’re a great size, too:

lemontarttoys_unicorn_horn_dildo

Silcone Unicorn Horn Dildos from LemonTartToys on Etsy ($36.01)

If you’re looking for a little fairy dust in your O, these three manufacturers have lovely, twisty, shimmery goodies that are up to the task. Next week: tentacles!

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Let’s Talk About Butts, Shall We?

I am not into butts, personally. Cheeks, external curves, aesthetics, definitely – but not many things go into my individual butt, because it’s just not my thing. I have, a time or two, put things in boys’ butts because, well, it’s fun and they make fun sounds when I do it. Cleanliness is typically a natural part of this type of play, so tools that make that happen are generally on my thumbs up list.

You wouldn’t think a specialized brush you cram into your anal area would irk me, but this one sort of does.

My Shiney Hiney Anal Brush Pictures

No, they aren’t earbuds. Wrong orifice entirely.

 

Meet My Shiney Hiney, a $14.99 tapered butt toothbrush that’s just a wee bit too cutesey for its own good. As a copywriter, my criti-guns tend to level at website copy first, and with the splash page advertising replacement “bristol brushes,” hulk’s already primed to smash. The fact that they speak in florid euphemisms and refuse to call the butthole region “hiney” over and over again – “A tropical vacation for your hiney” – and they shill it alongside a trio of scented ‘cleansing creams’ that instruct you to dip your previously-used brush head in the same jar is enough to give me pause. The company also makes a “whitening cream” for the butt, which sends up a gloriously crimson flag for yours truly.

Oh, and it’s gotten the stamp of approval (?) from none other than JWoww and Snooki of Jersey Shore fame. So, really, what else do you need? Hell, as of March 2016, you can even get Prime Shipping on this sucker over at Amazon. Ah, progress.

 

 

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Chocolate Quickie Edition

Few bits of coding have a more puzzling, concerning and thankless job than the tracking algorithms on my Amazon account. On quiet evenings, when I’m looking for a tin of my favorite tea or a jar of fancy cooking spices, I’ll forget how often I talk to all of you here and find that there’s a big rubber horse cock smack dab in the middle of my suggested products. If I’m alone, I get a giggle out of it – if my husband is nearby, I get a raised eyebrow and cautious questions about which route my passions are taking lately. If I have company, though…woo. There’s awkward for you – No no..haha..I don’t…this is for a blog I wr- you know what, nevermind. I’m sorry. I only like horses in a platonic sense, I swear!

Such is the case with chocolate anuses.

Edible chocolate shaped like anuses.

When only the finest of chocolate buttholes will do.

 

Surprisingly chic in their presentation, ten boxes (coworkers! in laws! poly groups! mail carriers!)  of chocolate anuses will set you back $72.95, but can you really put a price on chocolate butthole love? Isn’t your loved one worth approximately $7.30 USD worth of Belgian chocolate, formed into the puckered likenesses of an asshole trio? I know mine are, so maybe you should stop being such a cheapskate, cheapskate.

 

Climax Chocolate Bar With Kama Sutra X-Rated Scene

Cirque De Soleil meets Debbie Does Dallas.

 

For those that need something a little more refined in their smut-emblazoned chocolate treats, Climax Chocolates has a variety of Kama Sutra Position Chocolates for a mere $4.80 apiece. It took me a solid (milk chocolate?) five minutes to figure out which leg belonged to which sexual partner here, and that’s how you know it’s worth giving. Delight your lovers and confound your enemies – they’ll never accuse you of rummaging around in a Spencer’s adult toy clearance bin if you come bearing this puppy.

While they aren’t overpriced roses, there’s no doubt either one of these will leave a lasting impression on your special someone. Definitely lasting. Yep.

 

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Water Balloon Edition

Random fuckery update – apparently the husband has come to something resembling his senses and started wanting my amazing (let’s be honest here) ladyparts again. We’re doing better now and I am less like an angry wolverine in terms of libido, but we’ll see how it goes in the long run. Thanks for everyone who lit dildo candles for me or something, cause it worked. ❤

You know when you see one of those things that makes you go “Oh! Right! I’m living in the future. Cool!” and stare in fascination? That’s me with the Soloflesh Water-Filled Masturbator. I’m pretty sure if I had a Soloflesh I’d just spend all day filling and refilling it, watching a nicely-shaped ass randomly appear and disappear in my bathroom sink. This really cool male masturbator is essentially a sexy water balloon, only with way more natural curves and aesthetics. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but seriously, watch the video and tell me you aren’t fuckin mesmerized by this shit:

I like it because it gives users discretion but still offers access to a something-approaching-real-size ass and pussy toy, plus you get the nice feeling of warmth from the surrounding water. I can see this posing a real problem for guys with genital piercings, though – it’d be pretty awkward to have to explain the giant wet spot soaking your mattress without bringing theoretical urine into the scenario.  If your penis does not have unduly poky bits, you can pick up your very own Soloflesh Male Sex Toy for $155 USD. [ Update, 2/7/17: Sadly, I’ve been informed Soloflesh is out of business. 😦 ]

But TC, you say, what if I don’t want to drop a bunch of money on a water-filled sex toy? What if I wanted to get mine from the same venue that dispenses candy bars and condoms of questionable durability in truck stop bathrooms? Ahh, my friend, you should know me better than that. Of COURSE I have you covered. Meet the Willaboo water-filled masturbator – it’s cheap, fun to say AND fun to hump.

Considering you can pick up 5 of these for less than $30 AND they come with lube packets and inflating straws (which make them look sorta like perverted juice boxes, but whatever), that’s a downright bargain. Oh, and they’re recyclable, though I’m not sure I could look my trash guys in the eye if I had a can full of empty bottles and sad, spent masturbators out in front of the house.

Willaboo Inflatable Masturbator Instructions

And, by the by, if the name of this male sex toy made you recall web comic Perry Bible Fellowship’s infamous “Weeaboo” strip, you aren’t alone.

As with most WSTOTW posts, I’ve learned something new this week. There is a porn site devoted entirely to balloons – mainly of the grainy video amateur variety – called Loonertube. As one weird thing leads to another, I discovered that BalloonBuddies.com will send you a whole baggie of new inflatable sex partners (emblazoned with sexy cartoon logos, natch) for around $25. The descriptions list the type of latex the balloon is made of, emphasize the “neck” you’ll get to enjoy, and other fascinating ‘looner terminology*. This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that I’ve been unsurprised by a fetish but genuinely startled by how organized it’s devotees are.

*b2p = blow to pop, which can ironically be pretty easily used in other fetishes. It sounds like a futuristic lollipop. I’m going to start incorporating it into daily conversations.

Insert a “full of hot air” joke here because I’m too lazy to do so – we’re out of half-and-half and that means TCs have not had their coffee and are still growly. Hope you enjoyed this Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week!

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Weird Sex Toys O The Week: My Little Pony Sex Toys Edition

A Quick State of the ToyChick Address:

Hello, dear readers – I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. To make a (very) long story short, life in TTC-land is anything but rosy. ToySir – who I’m now going to call ToyDude because BDSM has utterly evaporated from our lives – had to have back surgery last year. Our relationship has been on something of a downhill spiral, we aren’t having sex and I’m messed up in head, heart, and ladyparts over it. Not exactly sexy, I know, but if you’re still around to be reading this, you’re a loyal reader and you deserve to know what’s up. The back surgery led to the uncovering of other issues on his part, as well as a long month and a half with only my paycheck coming into the house, and I’ve been working three jobs AND going to school in a frantic effort to cover the deficit. Two of our three (crappy, don’t think we have a stable of Beamers or anything) cars quit in a two week period and now my life is mostly reduced to getting him to work 45 minutes away on his ever-changing work schedule, me to school and my three jobs with a single car and a fervent prayer against overlap. There’s an uneasy limbo going on this last month that I’m not entirely sure will hold, and I’m a little fritzed in the brain trying to keep it all together with my only support being a partner who is withholding sex and generally disregarding me.

tl;dr – Everything sucks and I miss you guys.

Thankfully, I don’t have to be gettin any to share weird, fun sexy things with you all, which I’m going to try to do with more regularity, now that my botched eye surgery from last spring has reached a sort-of status quo. There are several book reviews coming up, many from my Editrix-crush Rachel Kramer Bussel, and probably some more video reviews because I know ya’ll dig those. It’s going to take me a bit to re-acclimate to the adult industry after my absence, so bear with me if I’m telling wang jokes you’ve heard before. 🙂

Fuckable My Little Pony Inflatable Dolls / Pony Fuckery /Equestria Blow Up Dolls

Flutter NOTSO shy, you mean. Eh? ...Ehhh?

Flutter NOTSO shy, you mean. Eh? …Ehhh?

This is where the plushies and pony lovers collide in one zippered, not-exactly-anatomically-correct pegasus poon. No one could possibly *actually* have sex with that, TTC. It’s gotta be a joke. Uhhh…how long have you been reading my blog? Obvs I have empirical, NSFW, cannot-be-unseen proof of Fluttershy fuckery.

I was going to make a "My Little Porny" reference here, but it's just too easy.

I was going to make a “My Little Porny” reference here, but it’s just too easy.

According to this site, which apparently specializes in covering faux horse fuck toys, this is the newest ‘novelty’ to hit unsuspecting sex toy shelves. This strange cartoon/Equestria/BBW version of Rainbow Dash will set you back $99 and perhaps more than a dash (har!) of uncomfortable interactions with customs in the process. I’m glad that, at least in the inflatable monokini-cartoon-girl-pony-hybrid-inflatable sex doll market, there’s no body-shaming. Friendship is magic, and also, apparently, all about that bass too.

Bad_Dragon_Equine_Rump_

Now *that* is how you do trademark-safe marketing. Kudos, dude.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a nod (and a mane toss?) in the direction of the infamous Bad Dragon and their wonderfully-named hues of Equine Rump strokers. It’s a masterpiece of saying-but-not-saying, and my inner saleswoman cheered.

Unlike much of the internet, I’ve got no beef with my plush-lovin, fursuited peers. I may poke a little fun at some of their toys here, but honestly – of all the fetish groups they tend to be the most honest, compassionate and supportive of one another that I’ve seen. High five/paw/hoof/wing to you, my friends, and I hope you take this in the tongue-in-cheek spirit it was intended. 

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Weird Sex Toys O The Week: The WHAT?? Dildo Edition

Okay. Guys. Those of you who follow me on Twitter are already aware of this because I could no more keep this under wraps than a cat can resist indignantly licking itself after you pet it. I am not making any value judgements, and I’m actually super-psyched to see that such a unique sexual interest niche is getting its own toys. But…wow. It takes a lot for me to push back my desk chair, blink a little and call ToySir at work to share the news that something exists.

Meet Primal Hardwere’s Splorch, a $129 silicone alien ovipositor dildo that dispenses gelatin chicken eggs.

Let that sink in for a moment.

The Primal Hardwere Splorch Dildo

The Splorch Dildo from PrimalHardwere.com

It’s…fascinating, isn’t it? It’s made for xenomorph enthusiasts with a thing for alien egg impregnation, and it thoughtfully comes with a six-egg mold so you can make your own gelatin chicken eggs for it to dispense. I confess to not being entirely sure where to go from that point…I imagine the eggs go…in…somewhere? I leave that to the scholars to expound on.

The Splorch Dildo from PrimalHardwere.com

The Splorch Dildo from PrimalHardwere.com

Chances are, if you’re still reading, you’re a curious as I was. Thankfully, Primal Hardwere has supplied a video of this odd not-so-little sex toy in action:

 

The world of furry/otherkin-targeted toys is evidently much larger than I imagined, back in my baby-blogging days when I thought TSX toys and their whale dildos were the weirdest animalish insertables the internet had to offer. With companies like Bad Dragon (of tentacle dildo fame) and the Splorch’s manufacturer Primal Hardwere crafting insanely creative fuckable things from silicone, I’m excited about the industry as a whole – the “indie” dildo movement is a rising tide (of lube?) that lifts all boats.

 

 

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Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Toybox Edition

As long as there are toys and puberty-driven libidos and curiosity in the world, there will always be a slightly uncomfortable intersection of the two. Imprints are made, bodies are discovered, and before you know it things like vibrating rubber duckies are flooding (har!) the market.

 

And then, naturally, the overwhelming urge to stash, hide, obscure or otherwise disavow visual connection with the same buzzing toys that we smoosh in and around our genitals on the regular. Even long after we move out of the family home and set up boundaries in adulthood, we somehow still feel that urge to pretend we don’t have toys. What better way to hide them than with a…toy?

And then, of course, you have the toys that are both toys and toys. The I Rub My Duckie falls into this category, but it’s still a bit tongue-in-cheek. It could pass for a massager if it absolutely had to. You know what kinda can’t? The Cunnilingus Mcstuffins – er, I mean, Teddy Love here.

Teddy Love Vibrating Teddy Bear

See if you can spot the “discreet vibrating device”.

Teddy Love Vibrating Teddy Bear

Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.

Teddy Love Vibrating Teddy Bear

…ever.

 

My esteemed dildo colleague Epiphora presented the sexy interwebz with her own brutal takedown of Cunnilingus McStuffins Teddy Love recently as well, if you’d care to read more into Teddygate 2014.

Is this a little disturbing? To the mainstream, sure. But the marketing is the most offensive thing with fluff-n-stuff, in my opinion. Elsewise, he’s just an awkwardly-conceived hybrid of sex toy and stuffed animal, kind of like a mermaid that ends up with a fish head and human legs instead of vice versa. It’s a joke you cough a stilted laugh at and move on, unless you’re a plushie in which case you go looking for your wallet.

Besides, it’s hardly the most explicit stuffed-animal-you-can-fuck on the market…

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The Bound Dildo – A Pre-Roped Silicone Cock

Ya’ll know I’m a kinkster. I met ToySir because of kink and it continues to be a big part of our sex life, three years later. I have a virtual war chest of floggers, rope, vampire gloves, you name it. I also love Dildos (I’d say I’m a Dildologist, but some friends of mine have that field of study locked down already) and the more unique, the better. When my interests collide, I go a little fangirl-y, and that happened this morning.

I love Vixen Creations, I’ve worked with them directly in the past as a rep, but I have to hand it to Tantus Inc. when it comes to unique sculpture and marketing. They’re the evil geniuses behind the sparkly Vamp dildo, rolled out at the height of the Twilight vampire-fuckery craze. Behold their latest offering to the marketplace, by way of SheVibe – the Bound Dildo:

The Bound Dildo from Tantus

The symmetry appeals to my OCD, the textured rope appeals to my kink, and the silicone appeals to my lady business. This beauty is available in cream and brown as well, but I personally think black really nails the ‘feel’ of the sculpt. At only $59, this is a pretty unusual – and unusually pretty – faux wang that everyone that hearts kink ought to own.

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Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Strange Lube Edition

I am a big proponent of lube. Love it as a concept, love it ‘in the field’, just love it in general. Sometimes, however, sex lube takes a turn for the weird. I present Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Weird Lube Edition –

 

Pot Lube (Foria)

I do not personally partake, but I understand the kids these days are really into those ‘funny cigarettes.’ I must confess it never occurred to me to shove a THC-laden extract of pot mixed with coconut oil up in my ladybusiness, but I imagine that some folks will be very excited about this particular innovation. It’s only available to California residents with a doctor’s recommendation letter, though, so don’t go hunting for it in the yeast infection/sexual funstuff aisle of CVS just yet.

Whiskey_Dick_Lube I am unusual amongst the women I hang with in that I never hopped the wine train – I’m strictly a bourbon and hard cider gal. That being said, I’m not entirely sure I’d be down with my favorite booze slicking up my toys and my husband, but again – I imagine some people will be all about this. This lubricant also may unseat the Head of State Dildo for the coveted “Way too many cutesy sex puns on one box” award.

cumlube1_resized

Bad Dragon is a silicone dildo company that has grown to impressive heights in the last handful of years, specializing in furry-friendly anthromorph-ish dils – essentially, if you want a Griffin Cock, they’re your go-to. Their cum lube is well…pretty much exactly what it advertises. Looks and feels like the real deal. So…yep. It exists. You’re welcome, internet.

See ya next WSTOTW, Toychickers!

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Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Promoting Bands Through Sex Toys?

The Rammstein Dildo Set was an odd little blip on my radar a few years back – I initially shrugged it off as a shock-value thing, but later learned that the individual dildos were molded from / based on the actual members of the band. Okay, props there – but was neon pink jelly the best medium you could come up with, guys? At least some fans had a healthy sense of humor about it – check out this low budget version of the Rammstein dildo box set, as imagined by a Facebook fan.

Then, today, I happen across a weird news story about another band – this time, a Metal band by the name of Ghost – going the sex toy route for the sake of promotion. Despite being less well-known than Rammstein, they’ve hit it out of the marketing park, as far as I’m concerned.  The Ghost Phallos Mortuus Ritual Box Set may set you back $200, but it comes with a custom metal butt plug and a silicone dildo that’s custom-made to depict the band’s frontman. Hell*, I know some places where you can’t get a plain metal butt plug and silicone dildo for that price, let alone themed as a set. (Betcha dollars to donuts that Divine Interventions had something to do with that dildo!)

*Pun Intended

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