1-900 Siri?

siri

This just in: water is wet.

In a revelation shocking to no one except diehard under-rock dwellers, men have apparently been using the A.I. iPhone assistant Siri to engage in dirty talk. I suppose it’s a cheap form of entertainment, but it strikes me as an advanced (and expensive) version of putting in initials like A.S.S. or T.I.T. in arcade video game high scores some three decades ago. If you’re going to use your own mind to try and trick your libido into stimulation, why not just straight-up fantasize? Or, yanno, look up porn?

I shouldn’t be so quick to judge, I suppose. Maybe they’re holding out for a fake girlfriend like me.

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BWild Deluxe Bunny Vibrator Review – Thanks BSwish!

This toy was provided to me by BSwish.com in exchange for a review. Thanks, guys!

TL;DR Sex Toy Video Review

Okay. Bunny vibrators. We’re all pretty well versed in them by now, yes? In the event you’ve been masturbating under a rock for the last…oh…fifteen years or so, these dirty lil devils are all the rage for gals that dig simultaneous penetration and external stimulation.

 

The BWild Deluxe Bunny vibrator in blue appears laying on its included black drawstring bag beside its box, which features a smiling blond woman in black panties on the front.

The BWild Deluxe Bunny Vibrator from BSwish in all its blue glory.

There’s just one problem. Those of us that are – shall we say “vaginal canal length-challenged” wince a little when we look at some bunny vibes on the market, which look more like pastel-colored space shuttles still dragging pearl-clogged booster rockets in their wake. Huuuuuge. Not to mention way (WAY) too many of them are still made out of jelly, and friends don’t let friends put jelly anywhere near their intimate areas unless there’s a seriously kinky breakfast-themed BDSM scene going down. Even then – sugar – no no no. I digress.

Sizing Up the Bunny

This toy is a wonderful size. It’s not so small you’re wondering how the hell you’re going to hold it comfortably, and it’s not so big that you’ll feel like a particularly insistent semi truck is taking Route 66 straight to your cervix. If Goldilocks went NC-17, this is the vibrator she’d choose: it’s just right.

The BWild Deluxe Bunny Vibrator, held on an angle in a female hand. The edge of the vibrator box shows to the left, and beneath the vibrator, the included black drawstring bag is shown.

This bunny loves me.❤

Click, Click VROOM

I love that it’s waterproof, because it’s really waterproof. Not bullshit-tiny-rubber-ring-sandwiched-in-the-seam waterproof, this baby twists and locks the battery casing in with a very satisfying, tangible bump.

A closeup of the blue BWild Deluxe Bunny Vibrator with the bottom cap removed. A female hand holds the main stem of the vibrator, which is turned to show the channel the cap locks into in order to make the toy waterproof.

I Love Lights!

The two-button control panel is not only at a very comfortable angle for easy tapping, it also lights up red so you can see what the hell you’re doing. It’s a nice touch, especially for couples that prefer to play in the dark. The top button cycles through 6 settings: low, medium, high, escalating, slow pulse and fast pulse.
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Final Verdict: Worth It

This isn’t a gimmicky toy. It’s a sex toy that I will actually use, enjoy and play with along with my partner. This will come in the shower with me, and it will live in my cat-proof bedside box when its dry. When you’ve seen as many toys as I have in my career/blogging life/weird event circuit, you become really fussy about which ones you’d encourage a new toy explorer to buy. I genuinely feel this one is worth the money, is durable enough to work hard for many years, and isn’t too intimidating in size or power – yet still packs a punch. That’s a rare combination of qualities, and frankly, one I was pleasantly surprised to find here.

If you’d like to take this medium sized bunny vibrator for a spin yourself – and I definitely suggest you do – it’s available in blue, pink or purple for $53.99 from my friends over at BSwish!

 

 

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Mighty Wand Vibrator Review – Thanks CastleMegastore.com!

This toy was provided to me by CastleMegastore.com in exchange for a review. Thanks, guys!🙂

TL;DR Sex Toy Video Review

The first thing you’ll notice about the Mighty Wand vibrator is the controls – or, at least, it’s the first thing I noticed. After a decade-plus researching, writing and moving through “the industry,” I didn’t realize how used to the old school Nokia phone-like keypad I was, with four directional arrows and maybe a button or two, if the manufacturer was feeling fancy. This was typically mounted on the front of the toy, or maybe the bottom – both fairly inconvenient for adjustment when you’re a bigger girl that struggles with flexibility.

Smart Control Placement

A picture of a purple mighty wand vibrator laying on a beige cloth background.

The Mighty Wand control dial, like these traditional control pads, is also on the “front” of the wand body, but it’s placed a little higher up on the stem, making it much easier to reach. When the head of the wand is facing down, as it would be if you were using the wand for clitoral stimulation while lying on your back, it only takes very gentle fingertip pressure to roll the vibration adjustment wheel up towards your head to intensify vibrations. I can easily hold the wand in one hand and move the control wheel up, down, or off with just the pad of my middle finger.

The Ideal Weight

A closeup of a woman's hand grasping the body of the purple mighty wand vibrator, with her thumb on the wheel control, shown angled to the right side.

I won’t mince words – I’m not athletic. I’m overweight (and I’m totally cool with that!) but I have to be real about the fact that my lack of exercise affects stuff like arm strength. I have several variations on “the” go-to vibrator wand, but honestly the body of most of those wands ends up really heavy if I’m using it for more than a few minutes – which I do because I’m worth it, damnit! The head tends to be the lightest part of those types of toys, which means that extra force is needed to keep the tip leaning down where I want it to press against me. The Mighty Wand is not only shorter in body length, the tip is blessedly where the weight is concentrated, making it naturally tip down. It sounds like a really simple thing, but when you’ve struggled with annoyances that distract from an already elusive climax, every little bit helps.

Unusual Pulse Control

A woman's hand holding the body of the purple mighty wand vibrator. Her thumb is raised just above a shiny oval purple button on the left side of the body, about to press it.

Again, to draw comparisons between this toy and others, pulsation is usually a ‘setting’ – as in, you have to manually set it off and on for a duration. This often leads to blind fumbling with the aforementioned inconvenient controls if you’re close and decide to switch back. The Mighty Wand incorporates a sort of “dead man’s switch” into the mix, which is unusual and also really cool. When the vibration is turned on, there’s a small button right where the thumb rests when holding the “stem” in your right hand – sorry lefties! To enjoy pulsation, you simply hold this button in as long as you’d like, and release it when you’d like to go back to straight vibes. The movement is natural, as you’re already gripping the handle and directing the head where you want it to go. The single speed pulsation is essentially putting a club beat on the vibration intensity you’ve already chosen via the adjustment wheel.

No Batteries!

A woman's hand holding the body of the purple mighty wand vibrator. Her thumb is pulling back a small white rubber flap to reveal the charging port and two unlit LED indicators below it. She holds the wire and charging plug beside the body, grasped between her middle and index fingers to show the plug beside the port.

Technology being what it is, I’m honestly surprised that new battery-powered vibrators are still being made. We plug in our cell phones, our laptops – even our cars, in some cases – so why are we still burning through expensive (and often non-rechargeable) batteries to get our freak on? I can see for the smaller vibrators, maybe, but when you get into the level of wands, I prefer something I can plug in to charge. The Mighty Wand has a tiny little flap on the side that conceals the port for the included charger, flanked by thoughtful LEDs that let you know how the charging is going and when you’re topped up. It may not be the fancy magnetic-style chargers seen elsewhere, but I prefer a lower price point over a higher-tech charger, frankly. Everything plugs in the same, and it’s still infinitely more convenient than digging around in my junk drawer in a frantic search for AAA batteries every time I want to get down and dirty.

The Head

A close up of the ridged head of the purple mighty wand vibrator. An accordion-like stem neck is visible below the purple mushroom-like cap.

This is one of my few critiques of the toy. I don’t know what “Ultra Soft Touch” material is, but it looks and feels like rubber – it doesn’t have that “shower curtain scent” that I’ve been trained to recognize as phthalates, but the box also doesn’t explicitly call out that it’s phthalate free. The cap overlay to the head is definitely permanently affixed, and it ends in a short, mushroom-like overlap, under which the recessed screws of the head can be seen. This vibrator is not waterproof, so this isn’t as problematic as it could be, but with the unusual design I could see some biologicals getting caught there without thorough cleaning after every use. Thankfully, the design also lends itself to quick and easy condom use, which is my preferred method for dealing with toy cleaning – just slide one on, use the toy, and toss the condom. While the head sports a diameter that’s a wee bit larger than a half dollar and technically could be inserted, I’d do so with care if that’s your plan. The mushroom-like cap overlay and the flexible neck below could cause some problems and might be uncomfortable, and the adjustment wheel is inset into an open track which moisture could enter.

Final Thoughts

Some angel of a sex blogger taught me years ago that wand-type vibes can also be used to clear one’s head – literally. Some well-placed heavy vibrations on the bridge or side of the nose will help with sinus pressure and pain, which I’m prone to. While it might not be necessarily sexy, this Mighty Wand also keeps my sinus and ocular migraines at bay – in addition to working magic a little lower on the body. It’s been in heavy rotation from my nightstand drawer since I got it for just that reason – it’s versatile, strong without being a jackhammer, it’s light enough to wield comfortably, it doesn’t need batteries, and getting the right setting is intuitive, rather than feeling like I’m programming a missile launch. I’d recommend that anyone curious about a wand-type toy give this one a spin, as it’s extremely fun and user friendly!

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Period Sex as a Selling Point

I found this little article about a period-sex enabling feminine hygiene product very interesting, and wanted to share it with you, dear readers. I’ve noticed my own libido goes through the roof when I’m having my period, and while my husband was very gung-ho about sex in any situation when we were first dating, he’s now more than a little blood-shy when it comes to threesomes with Aunt Flo.

Blood_Drop_Heart

Lauren Schulte and Flex might just be changing the landscape when it comes to getting down and dirty while you’re….going through a perfectly natural bodily process that no one should be ashamed or embarrassed about.😉

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Schrodinger’s Romantic Partner

When is a girlfriend not a girlfriend? When she is actually a conglomeration of countless freelancers that exist, hive-like, to draw out the banal narration of a day’s worth of your texts. Ditto for boyfriend in this brave new world of ours, and it’s surprisingly easy to tapdance between purported genders when smalltalk is the order of the day.

What the hell am I talking about? The fact that I’m standing in as someone’s Canadian Girlfriend for the low, low price of a nickle. I am a transparent partner, bringing love, companionship and credibility to faux romances through crowdsourced texting conversations.

hands-coffee-smartphone-technology-large

It’s gonna take a lot of sweet nothings to afford this goddamn coffee.

The internet has allowed us to live and love in ever-more-complex ways, from shelling out hard-earned money for fuckable feet sex toys…
A vagina AND a butt in the severed ankles! It’s 2016, baby!

…to courting individuals on super-niche dating sites catering to clowns, farmers and even fellow gluten-free dieters. But until recently, these all required either a physical connection or corresponding at least partially on someone else’s whims. Then someone had the bright idea of combining the conversational equivalent of a sex doll with the 4G coverage of Verizon and…voila…my part-time gig was born.

Not only does the website offer a Mad Libs-style (shoutout to 90s kids) fill-in-the-blanks relationship origin story, it provides this weirdly poignant canvas for a chorus of total strangers, all pretending to be your girlfriend or boyfriend, to wear like a coat as you project needs, desires and inadequacies onto them. Some users clearly use the algorithm suggestions to call up ho-hum backstories of running into one another at a party, or a coffeehouse, but some spin elaborate tales, dotted liberally with their personal preferences.

Heart_Box

Just Text “SoulM8” to WISHUWERE

The saddest are the chaste flirtations with the (theoretical) members of the “same sex.” I am just as happy to be their interested how was your day, dear? styled text-lover as I would be for the “opposite sex” role, but some are clearly – and heart-breakingly – acting out a love they likely can’t explore beyond a smartphone. I’m willing to bet that closeted gays and bisexuals dominate the client roster here, as personal experience has always shown those to be the elaborate backstories that come with actual first and last names for my “character” to use, likely drawn from the actual object of their affections. Additionally, fetish-oriented tales come up often, from extremely specific impossibly-large-breasted clown porn to overbearing bosses that need to teach their client/employee a particularly sexy lesson.

I feel like this is a highway-wide stripe of grey area. Am I encouraging unhealthy behavior by “becoming” these named backstories that could be based on real people? Am I preventing someone from becoming their true selves by offering a same-sex “easy out” for their needs? Am I stunting someone’s emotional growth by being so agreeable and kind…because I’m paid to act that way? I couldn’t say. I don’t make much from working on this crowdsourced, texting expression of “fake” love in 2016, but I continue to do it for the right to peek in at the weird world of the heart-driven, tech-wired unconscious.

Could YOU be a “transparent partner”? Why or Why Not? Comment below!

 

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Let’s Talk About Butts, Shall We?

I am not into butts, personally. Cheeks, external curves, aesthetics, definitely – but not many things go into my individual butt, because it’s just not my thing. I have, a time or two, put things in boys’ butts because, well, it’s fun and they make fun sounds when I do it. Cleanliness is typically a natural part of this type of play, so tools that make that happen are generally on my thumbs up list.

You wouldn’t think a specialized brush you cram into your anal area would irk me, but this one sort of does.

My Shiney Hiney Anal Brush Pictures

No, they aren’t earbuds. Wrong orifice entirely.

 

Meet My Shiney Hiney, a $14.99 tapered butt toothbrush that’s just a wee bit too cutesey for its own good. As a copywriter, my criti-guns tend to level at website copy first, and with the splash page advertising replacement “bristol brushes,” hulk’s already primed to smash. The fact that they speak in florid euphemisms and refuse to call the butthole region “hiney” over and over again – “A tropical vacation for your hiney” – and they shill it alongside a trio of scented ‘cleansing creams’ that instruct you to dip your previously-used brush head in the same jar is enough to give me pause. The company also makes a “whitening cream” for the butt, which sends up a gloriously crimson flag for yours truly.

Oh, and it’s gotten the stamp of approval (?) from none other than JWoww and Snooki of Jersey Shore fame. So, really, what else do you need? Hell, as of March 2016, you can even get Prime Shipping on this sucker over at Amazon. Ah, progress.

 

 

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Humans + Honey = A Sticky, Sweet, Beautiful Collaboration

I had to share this with you all. Despite certain tactile phobias (newsprint, the dryness of sand and powder, sticky or oily sensations on the skin that I can’t immediately wash off if I choose to) I have always been enamored of the idea of “sploshing” – just making a huge mess with a tarp under it. My daydreams have danced from pudding to body oil to jell-o, but honey has always been incredibly alluring. An aphrodisiac, an ancient element, a source of nourishment and civilization and the beauty of nature and unspoilable wonder.

Photographer Blake Little recruited models ranging from a year old child to a beautiful woman in her 80s and poured over 900 barrels of honey across the lot of them. It’s downright mesmerizing.

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Lack of Carousel Porn Edition

Unicorn Head Dildo

This kind of looks like an angry goat to me, honestly.

So, this blog post was spurred on by the appearance of a Unicorn Head Dildo in my Fetlife ads – yes, an actual, full-on head, not a horn.

It’s made out of phthalate-free PVC, is individually crafted by a company called Evolvdo, and the Unicorn Head Dildo can be yours for a mere $185.00.

Silicone Unicorn Horn Dildo by Whipspider Rubberworks

RIP, Unicorn Horn Dildo.😦

Sadly, the wonderfulisciousness of Whipspider Rubberworks horns has fallen prey to the sex toy manufacturing “fade” – they dropped off the map around 2012 and took their infamous silicone unicorn horn dildos with them. There are still glass unicorn horn dildos and rock unicorn horn dildos to be had on Etsy, though!
It got me thinking – where the hell is the carousel horse porn? I mean, there is literally porn for pretty much everything else on the planet, and god knows sexy My Little Pony is in vogue right now, but carousel porn, carousel horse sex toys – nada. Zip. A case could be made for pony play, I suppose, but that’s more along the lines of leather and pomp than I’m aiming for here.

Like, this. This crazy ass carousel (literally) porn video was the best I was able to turn up, and that makes me sad. This makes me feel slightly better, though. 

I suppose I’ll have to write carousel erotica (not to be confused with interspecies unicorn erotica) then. It will join the sullied-yet-illustrious ranks of my jungle kitsch spider-man-hybrid 1950’s porn and my infamous Olive Garden slashfic. The things we do for smutty, smutty art…

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Dessert / Sex Toy Slashfic? Jello + Sex Toys + Slow Motion

I had to share this nifty video with you guys because it’s honestly a pretty intelligent way of conveying the feel of something you might not be able to touch, but may want to buy. Mashable put a bunch of waterproof vibrators into Jell-O molds to set, then let the plucky little guys free themselves.

http://mashable.com/2015/02/12/vibrators-jello/?utm_cid=mash-com-fb-main-link

Also, this happened and it made me laugh.

JelloSexToys

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When “Eat Me” Gets Taken Too Literally…

If you have been living under a rock that is not situated smack-dab on the shores of the smutty internet (e.g. all of it), there’s a slight chance you might not have heard about the…unique…cookbook that made the Amazon reviewed-but-didn’t-buy rounds a few years back. Penned by one Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes is available for a mere $19.44 (a bargain $9.99 for the kindle edition). If you aren’t handy (ha!) in the kitchen and want to slip behind the bar, our friend Fotie has you covered there, too – the follow-up to his surprise hit, Semenology is not a bluntly-named reproductive textbook but rather a mixologist’s guide to blending unfortunate twists on drinks like rum and coke (think about it – or don’t, your choice), priced at $17.88 and $8.99, respectively.

Spoiler Alert.

Spoiler Alert.

Now, in what may be the most regrettable case of normally-wonderful gender equality on record, a woman has stepped up answer the semen-soaked gauntlet with a heaping bowl of vagina yogurt. Cecilia Westbrook, an MD/PHD student versed in the flora of the vagina, used her own vaginal cultures to create a batch of yogurt and, in proper scientific fashion, tested it against a control and a traditionally-prepped batch of yogurt. She ate her own vagina yogurt (cheekily dubbed “Yonigurt” by the author of the linked article) not once, but twice. With blueberries.

Cecelia Westbrook, we salute you for going where many of our spoons would fear to tread. For science, for blueberries, and for proving that “anything you can do, I can do better” can lead to mutually-assured destruction if we aren’t careful. Rock on with your badass MD/PHD self.

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