Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Lack of Carousel Porn Edition

This kind of looks like an angry goat to me, honestly.

So, this blog post was spurred on by the appearance of a Unicorn Head Dildo in my Fetlife ads – yes, an actual, full-on head, not a horn.

It’s made out of phthalate-free PVC, is individually crafted by a company called Evolvdo, and the Unicorn Head Dildo can be yours for a mere $185.00.

RIP, Unicorn Horn Dildo. 😦

Sadly, the wonderfulisciousness of Whipspider Rubberworks horns has fallen prey to the sex toy manufacturing “fade” – they dropped off the map around 2012 and took their infamous silicone unicorn horn dildos with them. There are still glass unicorn horn dildos and rock unicorn horn dildos to be had on Etsy, though!
It got me thinking – where the hell is the carousel horse porn? I mean, there is literally porn for pretty much everything else on the planet, and god knows sexy My Little Pony is in vogue right now, but carousel porn, carousel horse sex toys – nada. Zip. A case could be made for pony play, I suppose, but that’s more along the lines of leather and pomp than I’m aiming for here.

Like, this. This crazy ass carousel (literally) porn video was the best I was able to turn up, and that makes me sad. This makes me feel slightly better, though. 

I suppose I’ll have to write carousel erotica (not to be confused with interspecies unicorn erotica) then. It will join the sullied-yet-illustrious ranks of my jungle kitsch spider-man-hybrid 1950’s porn and my infamous Olive Garden slashfic. The things we do for smutty, smutty art…

Dessert / Sex Toy Slashfic? Jello + Sex Toys + Slow Motion

I had to share this nifty video with you guys because it’s honestly a pretty intelligent way of conveying the feel of something you might not be able to touch, but may want to buy. Mashable put a bunch of waterproof vibrators into Jell-O molds to set, then let the plucky little guys free themselves.

http://mashable.com/2015/02/12/vibrators-jello/?utm_cid=mash-com-fb-main-link

Also, this happened and it made me laugh.

When “Eat Me” Gets Taken Too Literally…

If you have been living under a rock that is not situated smack-dab on the shores of the smutty internet (e.g. all of it), there’s a slight chance you might not have heard about the…unique…cookbook that made the Amazon reviewed-but-didn’t-buy rounds a few years back. Penned by one Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes is available for a mere $19.44 (a bargain $9.99 for the kindle edition). If you aren’t handy (ha!) in the kitchen and want to slip behind the bar, our friend Fotie has you covered there, too – the follow-up to his surprise hit, Semenology is not a bluntly-named reproductive textbook but rather a mixologist’s guide to blending unfortunate twists on drinks like rum and coke (think about it – or don’t, your choice), priced at $17.88 and $8.99, respectively.

Spoiler Alert.

Now, in what may be the most regrettable case of normally-wonderful gender equality on record, a woman has stepped up answer the semen-soaked gauntlet with a heaping bowl of vagina yogurt. Cecilia Westbrook, an MD/PHD student versed in the flora of the vagina, used her own vaginal cultures to create a batch of yogurt and, in proper scientific fashion, tested it against a control and a traditionally-prepped batch of yogurt. She ate her own vagina yogurt (cheekily dubbed “Yonigurt” by the author of the linked article) not once, but twice. With blueberries.

Cecelia Westbrook, we salute you for going where many of our spoons would fear to tread. For science, for blueberries, and for proving that “anything you can do, I can do better” can lead to mutually-assured destruction if we aren’t careful. Rock on with your badass MD/PHD self.

50 Shades of Class Action Lawsuit

It’s no secret among my friends that I have more than a little disdain for this “50 Shades of Grey” crap. The writing, much like Twilight, is atrocious from a writer’s standpoint and the broken message is one that’s going to cause the BDSM community headaches for years to come. While the ol’ rope bag is on hiatus for the time being, I’m still very much involved in the social aspect of a (surprisingly robust for a southern state) kink scene and I was just discussing the implications of the dreaded movie with my friend. We’re bracing ourselves for an influx of swaggering asshole Doms and naive subs for them to prey on to come flooding into our chatrooms, social networks and meetups. So while I’m grateful to the story for making “us” a little more mainstream, I’m cringing at the prospect of the social aftermath.

Fun fact: the American spelling of Gray and the UK spelling of Grey can be differentiated by their vowels – E for England and A for America. You’re welcome!

Apparently, a California resident who slathered on some of the 50 Shades of Grey Pleasure Gel is also unhappy with a different kind of aftermath – or rather, a lack thereof. The Wrap recently reported the woman’s dissatisfaction was making it’s way to a courtroom in the form of a class action lawsuit, involving the plaintiff and anyone else that snagged the gel/lube offered by LoveHoney in the four years prior. The box text, which quoted the book, apparently got a little too florid in its prose and left the user wanting. While this end of things is a little smirk-worthy, the additional complaint that the gel isn’t latex-compatible is not. I’ve written dozens of product descriptions for products similar to this one, and generally the gels use some sort of oil to keep the menthol in contact with the clit – safflower, vitamin E, etc – and I know those aren’t latex-compatible and can open up tiny micro-tears in the condom. Both Amazon and LoveHoney do not list the ingredients but do call the product out as condom-safe, so I guess we’ll see!

ETA: I’ve got a call in to LoveHoney and the incredibly pleasant phone gal is emailing me a list of ingredients later today. 🙂

UPDATE!

I got the following response. Apparently there’s no (obvious to my eyes, anyway) oils in the formula, so I’m not sure on what grounds the suit is alleging condom incompatibility. Either way, props to the LoveHoney team for getting back to me so quickly and thoroughly…wish all retailers would hop to like this when important questions are on the line!

Hi There 

As per our phone call earlier I have the ingredients for the Come alive pleasure gel.

Water

Glycerien

Ethoxdigylycol

Hydroxyethlcellulose

Passiflora Icarnata Flower extract

Coryanthe yohimbe bark extract

Panax

Ginseng root extract

Lepidum meyenii

Turnera aphrodidcia extract

citric acid flavour

Niacin

Methylparaben

Potassium sorbate

Sodium benzoate

Stevia rebaudiana extract

Vanillyl butyl ether

I hope this helps

Kind regards

Lovehoney Customer Care

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Chocolate Quickie Edition

Few bits of coding have a more puzzling, concerning and thankless job than the tracking algorithms on my Amazon account. On quiet evenings, when I’m looking for a tin of my favorite tea or a jar of fancy cooking spices, I’ll forget how often I talk to all of you here and find that there’s a big rubber horse cock smack dab in the middle of my suggested products. If I’m alone, I get a giggle out of it – if my husband is nearby, I get a raised eyebrow and cautious questions about which route my passions are taking lately. If I have company, though…woo. There’s awkward for you – No no..haha..I don’t…this is for a blog I wr- you know what, nevermind. I’m sorry. I only like horses in a platonic sense, I swear!

Such is the case with chocolate anuses.

When only the finest of chocolate buttholes will do.

 

Surprisingly chic in their presentation, ten boxes (coworkers! in laws! poly groups! mail carriers!)  of chocolate anuses will set you back $72.95, but can you really put a price on chocolate butthole love? Isn’t your loved one worth approximately $7.30 USD worth of Belgian chocolate, formed into the puckered likenesses of an asshole trio? I know mine are, so maybe you should stop being such a cheapskate, cheapskate.

 

Cirque De Soleil meets Debbie Does Dallas.

 

For those that need something a little more refined in their smut-emblazoned chocolate treats, Climax Chocolates has a variety of Kama Sutra Position Chocolates for a mere $4.80 apiece. It took me a solid (milk chocolate?) five minutes to figure out which leg belonged to which sexual partner here, and that’s how you know it’s worth giving. Delight your lovers and confound your enemies – they’ll never accuse you of rummaging around in a Spencer’s adult toy clearance bin if you come bearing this puppy.

While they aren’t overpriced roses, there’s no doubt either one of these will leave a lasting impression on your special someone. Definitely lasting. Yep.

 

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Water Balloon Edition

Random fuckery update – apparently the husband has come to something resembling his senses and started wanting my amazing (let’s be honest here) ladyparts again. We’re doing better now and I am less like an angry wolverine in terms of libido, but we’ll see how it goes in the long run. Thanks for everyone who lit dildo candles for me or something, cause it worked. ❤

You know when you see one of those things that makes you go “Oh! Right! I’m living in the future. Cool!” and stare in fascination? That’s me with the Soloflesh Water-Filled Masturbator. I’m pretty sure if I had a Soloflesh I’d just spend all day filling and refilling it, watching a nicely-shaped ass randomly appear and disappear in my bathroom sink. This really cool male masturbator is essentially a sexy water balloon, only with way more natural curves and aesthetics. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but seriously, watch the video and tell me you aren’t fuckin mesmerized by this shit:

I like it because it gives users discretion but still offers access to a something-approaching-real-size ass and pussy toy, plus you get the nice feeling of warmth from the surrounding water. I can see this posing a real problem for guys with genital piercings, though – it’d be pretty awkward to have to explain the giant wet spot soaking your mattress without bringing theoretical urine into the scenario.  If your penis does not have unduly poky bits, you can pick up your very own Soloflesh Male Sex Toy for $155 USD. [ Update, 2/7/17: Sadly, I’ve been informed Soloflesh is out of business. 😦 ]

But TC, you say, what if I don’t want to drop a bunch of money on a water-filled sex toy? What if I wanted to get mine from the same venue that dispenses candy bars and condoms of questionable durability in truck stop bathrooms? Ahh, my friend, you should know me better than that. Of COURSE I have you covered. Meet the Willaboo water-filled masturbator – it’s cheap, fun to say AND fun to hump.

Considering you can pick up 5 of these for less than $30 AND they come with lube packets and inflating straws (which make them look sorta like perverted juice boxes, but whatever), that’s a downright bargain. Oh, and they’re recyclable, though I’m not sure I could look my trash guys in the eye if I had a can full of empty bottles and sad, spent masturbators out in front of the house.

And, by the by, if the name of this male sex toy made you recall web comic Perry Bible Fellowship’s infamous “Weeaboo” strip, you aren’t alone.

As with most WSTOTW posts, I’ve learned something new this week. There is a porn site devoted entirely to balloons – mainly of the grainy video amateur variety – called Loonertube. As one weird thing leads to another, I discovered that BalloonBuddies.com will send you a whole baggie of new inflatable sex partners (emblazoned with sexy cartoon logos, natch) for around $25. The descriptions list the type of latex the balloon is made of, emphasize the “neck” you’ll get to enjoy, and other fascinating ‘looner terminology*. This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that I’ve been unsurprised by a fetish but genuinely startled by how organized it’s devotees are.

*b2p = blow to pop, which can ironically be pretty easily used in other fetishes. It sounds like a futuristic lollipop. I’m going to start incorporating it into daily conversations.

Insert a “full of hot air” joke here because I’m too lazy to do so – we’re out of half-and-half and that means TCs have not had their coffee and are still growly. Hope you enjoyed this Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week!

The Fleshlight Vagina – In the…Flesh?

You’ve likely seen or experienced the vagina Fleshlight firsthand. It looks something like this:

Yep. That’s a vagina alright.

Fleshlights, once removed from their plastic casings ala a hermit crab seeking a new shell, are similar. The “front orifices” in many popular fleshlight models are famously molded off of adult film stars, but what of the original – the Pink Lady Fleshlight model?

Well, she exists and she’s gorgeous.

She’s so damn cheerful about the whole weird experience that it’s hard not to grin. Also, “wageena”. You’re adorbs, Eufrat – thank you for offering up your wageena to satisfy the masses. ❤

Fellatio Had The Night Off…

Cheers to the woman who got hers onstage via oral sex at the Dead Kennedys Concert. There’s a whole lot of surprise (exhibitionist) fellatio in the world but not a whole lot of the other way around.

(This is assuming everything was cool and consensual, of course. There are conflicting reports on whether the servicer and servicee knew one another.)

Weird Sex Toys O The Week: My Little Pony Sex Toys Edition

A Quick State of the ToyChick Address:

Hello, dear readers – I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. To make a (very) long story short, life in TTC-land is anything but rosy. ToySir – who I’m now going to call ToyDude because BDSM has utterly evaporated from our lives – had to have back surgery last year. Our relationship has been on something of a downhill spiral, we aren’t having sex and I’m messed up in head, heart, and ladyparts over it. Not exactly sexy, I know, but if you’re still around to be reading this, you’re a loyal reader and you deserve to know what’s up. The back surgery led to the uncovering of other issues on his part, as well as a long month and a half with only my paycheck coming into the house, and I’ve been working three jobs AND going to school in a frantic effort to cover the deficit. Two of our three (crappy, don’t think we have a stable of Beamers or anything) cars quit in a two week period and now my life is mostly reduced to getting him to work 45 minutes away on his ever-changing work schedule, me to school and my three jobs with a single car and a fervent prayer against overlap. There’s an uneasy limbo going on this last month that I’m not entirely sure will hold, and I’m a little fritzed in the brain trying to keep it all together with my only support being a partner who is withholding sex and generally disregarding me.

tl;dr – Everything sucks and I miss you guys.

Thankfully, I don’t have to be gettin any to share weird, fun sexy things with you all, which I’m going to try to do with more regularity, now that my botched eye surgery from last spring has reached a sort-of status quo. There are several book reviews coming up, many from my Editrix-crush Rachel Kramer Bussel, and probably some more video reviews because I know ya’ll dig those. It’s going to take me a bit to re-acclimate to the adult industry after my absence, so bear with me if I’m telling wang jokes you’ve heard before. 🙂

Fuckable My Little Pony Inflatable Dolls / Pony Fuckery /Equestria Blow Up Dolls

Flutter NOTSO shy, you mean. Eh? …Ehhh?

This is where the plushies and pony lovers collide in one zippered, not-exactly-anatomically-correct pegasus poon. No one could possibly *actually* have sex with that, TTC. It’s gotta be a joke. Uhhh…how long have you been reading my blog? Obvs I have empirical, NSFW, cannot-be-unseen proof of Fluttershy fuckery.

I was going to make a “My Little Porny” reference here, but it’s just too easy.

According to this site, which apparently specializes in covering faux horse fuck toys, this is the newest ‘novelty’ to hit unsuspecting sex toy shelves. This strange cartoon/Equestria/BBW version of Rainbow Dash will set you back $99 and perhaps more than a dash (har!) of uncomfortable interactions with customs in the process. I’m glad that, at least in the inflatable monokini-cartoon-girl-pony-hybrid-inflatable sex doll market, there’s no body-shaming. Friendship is magic, and also, apparently, all about that bass too.

Now *that* is how you do trademark-safe marketing. Kudos, dude.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a nod (and a mane toss?) in the direction of the infamous Bad Dragon and their wonderfully-named hues of Equine Rump strokers. It’s a masterpiece of saying-but-not-saying, and my inner saleswoman cheered.

Unlike much of the internet, I’ve got no beef with my plush-lovin, fursuited peers. I may poke a little fun at some of their toys here, but honestly – of all the fetish groups they tend to be the most honest, compassionate and supportive of one another that I’ve seen. High five/paw/hoof/wing to you, my friends, and I hope you take this in the tongue-in-cheek spirit it was intended. 

Sex Toy Review: Erotic Love Slime Bath from Sweet Evil Industries

I enjoy making messes in enclosed and/or easily cleaned spaces. Massage oil on a tarp? I’m on it. Water balloons outside? Yep. Combine it with sexy time and a relative reassurance that none of the messy medium’s going to end up inside my lady parts and I’m pretty damn happy. When Sweet Evil Industries tossed me an email about reviewing their Erotic Love Slime Bath, I was all over it. After a brief tete-a-tete regarding the scent – I’m okay-ish with coconut, but the husband gets headaches, so we went with juniper instead – and a few days later, I had an exciting little box to look forward to.

Having done the trade show  bit, I appreciate quick takeaway versions of products like these, so I was happy to receive not only a traditional full-size box of love slime but a dual-sided glossy paper with samples of both the Love Slime and Love Gel stapled to it. (I’m saving that for a video review in the future!)

The Love Slime Kit Love Evil sent to me!

The night came where I had the time and inclination to give the product a whirl, so I ran my bath about half full of warm water and snagged the box. It contained a single plastic pack of the love slime powder as well as a sheet of instructions – essentially, fill the bath halfway, watch out because it’s holyfuck levels of slippery and don’t, like, eat it. Okay. I think I’m up to the task here.

The contents of the Love Slime box.

I snipped off a corner of the dayglo green powder packet, pouring it in slowly and evenly around the water.

Here we go!

At first, I wasn’t very impressed because it all seemed to sink to the bottom of the tub and just kinda…stay there. I could put my hand in the water and chase the thin layer around the floor of the tub, but the water itself wasn’t changing at all that I could see. If I “picked up” some of the bottom layer by scooping it in my hand, I could feel the viscosity. That felt cool, so I kept doing it – and that mixed up the Love Slime enough to “evolve” it into a whole tub sort of thing.

The Love Slime forming.

Love Slime in action!

Once I got in the tub and moved around a little, the viscosity increased to the point where even the “normal” water that wasn’t on the base of the tub was getting in on the party. It started becoming obvious when I picked my hand up out of the water, which oozed off of it. The water got thicker and thicker until it was roughly the consistency of Light Karo Syrup, and being in the middle of it was pretty damn cool. I was “slimed” all over, and it held the heat of the bath and made my skin feel pretty good to boot. Hey – I liked this stuff!

Then, after I cautiously let the goopy water drain with a silent prayer to the gods of outdated plumbing, it was time to get out. My husband looked on, bemused, and told me that I had to live in the tub now because he wasn’t helping me out – did I mention he’s a sadist? If you’ve ever spilled silicone lubricant on a non-porous surface, you have the beginnings of understanding what I was dealing with. I was in a lubed tub with no handholds, and getting my feet under me was not a secure possibility. I eventually had my husband hand me the showerhead and, turning it on to the masturbation stream setting, I was able to sort of blast the slimy residue away. Mostly. Enough to stand up.

It is water soluble, definitely, but the problem is that the greenish color isn’t really visible once the bulk is drained off, leaving you with invisible patches of “holy shit” that will land you in the ER with an interesting story if you aren’t careful. This persists, drying and surprising you when it gets wet during subsequent showers, so wash the hell out of your tub or leave the shower going a bit when you’re done. It rinses off of *you* just fine, and quickly, but you’ll have to pay a little more attention to your tub and warn any other tub-users to be careful for the next few showers.

I’d recommend Love Slime. My husband and I thoroughly enjoyed our experience with it and he’s already asking me to do it again, so I’d call that a success. The scent was light and non-fakey, the slime did precisely what it said it would, and the extra time with warm water was awful nice. Plus, it’s FUN. Think of the possibilities – Ghostbusters slashfic, Ninja Turtles cosplay (just add sexy lingerie kneepads!) and garden variety sploshing!

Love Slime is available in Coconut, Vanilla or Juniper scents and can be purchased for $19.99 on the Sweet Evil Industries website.