Weird Sex Toys O The Week: The WHAT?? Dildo Edition

Okay. Guys. Those of you who follow me on Twitter are already aware of this because I could no more keep this under wraps than a cat can resist indignantly licking itself after you pet it. I am not making any value judgements, and I’m actually super-psyched to see that such a unique sexual interest niche is getting its own toys. But…wow. It takes a lot for me to push back my desk chair, blink a little and call ToySir at work to share the news that something exists.

Meet Primal Hardwere’s Splorch, a $129 silicone alien ovipositor dildo that dispenses gelatin chicken eggs.

Let that sink in for a moment.

The Splorch Dildo from PrimalHardwere.com

It’s…fascinating, isn’t it? It’s made for xenomorph enthusiasts with a thing for alien egg impregnation, and it thoughtfully comes with a six-egg mold so you can make your own gelatin chicken eggs for it to dispense. I confess to not being entirely sure where to go from that point…I imagine the eggs go…in…somewhere? I leave that to the scholars to expound on.

The Splorch Dildo from PrimalHardwere.com

Chances are, if you’re still reading, you’re a curious as I was. Thankfully, Primal Hardwere has supplied a video of this odd not-so-little sex toy in action:

 

The world of furry/otherkin-targeted toys is evidently much larger than I imagined, back in my baby-blogging days when I thought TSX toys and their whale dildos were the weirdest animalish insertables the internet had to offer. With companies like Bad Dragon (of tentacle dildo fame) and the Splorch’s manufacturer Primal Hardwere crafting insanely creative fuckable things from silicone, I’m excited about the industry as a whole – the “indie” dildo movement is a rising tide (of lube?) that lifts all boats.

 

 

Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Toybox Edition

As long as there are toys and puberty-driven libidos and curiosity in the world, there will always be a slightly uncomfortable intersection of the two. Imprints are made, bodies are discovered, and before you know it things like vibrating rubber duckies are flooding (har!) the market.

Big Teaze Toys I Rub My Duckie

 

And then, naturally, the overwhelming urge to stash, hide, obscure or otherwise disavow visual connection with the same buzzing toys that we smoosh in and around our genitals on the regular. Even long after we move out of the family home and set up boundaries in adulthood, we somehow still feel that urge to pretend we don’t have toys. What better way to hide them than with a…toy?

Hide-a-Vibe Teddy from ShopInPrivate.com

And then, of course, you have the toys that are both toys and toys. The I Rub My Duckie falls into this category, but it’s still a bit tongue-in-cheek. It could pass for a massager if it absolutely had to. You know what kinda can’t? The Cunnilingus Mcstuffins – er, I mean, Teddy Love here.

See if you can spot the “discreet vibrating device”.

Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.

…ever.

 

My esteemed dildo colleague Epiphora presented the sexy interwebz with her own brutal takedown of Cunnilingus McStuffins Teddy Love recently as well, if you’d care to read more into Teddygate 2014.

Is this a little disturbing? To the mainstream, sure. But the marketing is the most offensive thing with fluff-n-stuff, in my opinion. Elsewise, he’s just an awkwardly-conceived hybrid of sex toy and stuffed animal, kind of like a mermaid that ends up with a fish head and human legs instead of vice versa. It’s a joke you cough a stilted laugh at and move on, unless you’re a plushie in which case you go looking for your wallet.

Besides, it’s hardly the most explicit stuffed-animal-you-can-fuck on the market…

Teddy Babes from LoveHoney.co.uk

The Lovechild of a Sex Worker and a Vending Machine

Like many of China’s technological marvels, the sperm extractor is well-designed, efficient and aesthetically pleasing. Also, you can shove your cock in it.

Oh, and the height’s adjustable. Did I mention that?

 

(Am I the only one that thinks that “Sperm Extractor” sounds like a particularly sexy Lucha wrestler?)

 

 

Vibration, Concentration, and Women Having Fun

Unfortunately, I practically need to be in a sensory deprivation chamber to get off. ToySir has an upper denture plate (car accident) and can take his teeth out for some ridiculously good oral sex and still – if the dog’s barking, my train derails. TV on? Forget about it – my transcription training kicks in and I start neatly arranging real-time words to correspond with that episode of Chopped. That’s why I marvel at women – beautiful, open-minded, exhibitionist women – that aren’t afraid to do some concentration-oriented things and attempt to (usually laughingly) retain composure. Here are a few of my favorites:

Aren’t their smiles beautiful? I’m so glad these ladies invited us to see them in a private moment – and most of all, that they all seemed to have fun with it!

A Teensy, NSFW Reason to Smile

Perk up, Toychicks! It’s hump day. 🙂

“Don’t Mind Me” by Lizcakes, via DeviantArt

Poor Rachel Kramer Bussel Reviews Farrah Abraham’s New Erotic Novel

Hey guys – remember that lackluster teen mom “star”  that made a regrettable sex tape with the lovely James Deen? Yeah, I don’t either. In the off chance that you’re following that particular train wreck with an iota of interest, she’s branched out into the publishing world (god help us all) with an erotic novel. Hooray.

My favorite editrix waded into that particular pool of…creativity…to tell us what’s up. Main takeaway? She bedazzled her 4th wall until it fell right the fuck over and needs an editor. Check it out on TheFrisky via the link below!

Rachael Kramer Bussel on The Best & Worst Of Farrah Abraham’s Erotic Novel, In The Making (Celebrity Sex Tape)

The Bound Dildo – A Pre-Roped Silicone Cock

Ya’ll know I’m a kinkster. I met ToySir because of kink and it continues to be a big part of our sex life, three years later. I have a virtual war chest of floggers, rope, vampire gloves, you name it. I also love Dildos (I’d say I’m a Dildologist, but some friends of mine have that field of study locked down already) and the more unique, the better. When my interests collide, I go a little fangirl-y, and that happened this morning.

I love Vixen Creations, I’ve worked with them directly in the past as a rep, but I have to hand it to Tantus Inc. when it comes to unique sculpture and marketing. They’re the evil geniuses behind the sparkly Vamp dildo, rolled out at the height of the Twilight vampire-fuckery craze. Behold their latest offering to the marketplace, by way of SheVibe – the Bound Dildo:

The symmetry appeals to my OCD, the textured rope appeals to my kink, and the silicone appeals to my lady business. This beauty is available in cream and brown as well, but I personally think black really nails the ‘feel’ of the sculpt. At only $59, this is a pretty unusual – and unusually pretty – faux wang that everyone that hearts kink ought to own.

Dildo-Lurve + Tech = Yay!

Hello Toychickers! My fabulous friend Heidi comes up with the best sex toy news and info, she really does. She just shared this gem about a bionic strap-on dildo on Facebook, and I just had to share it with the rest of you guys. 🙂

Those that have been “sex toy fans” for the last 10+ years may remember the Mr. Man, the now-defunct (?) Jollies Pleasure Toys’ dildo with a hollow tube down the center for clitoral suction during dildo blowjobs. I thought that was an awesome idea, but this just takes it to the next level – assuming it functions as intended, of course. I love that sex toys are becoming more about the people using them and less of an excuse to pack ridiculous bells-and-whistles into the space of a shaft and balls. While showmanship (showpersonship?) has its place in the industry, toys should ultimately reflect the desires of those using them, not vice-versa – n’est pas?

Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Strange Lube Edition

I am a big proponent of lube. Love it as a concept, love it ‘in the field’, just love it in general. Sometimes, however, sex lube takes a turn for the weird. I present Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Weird Lube Edition –

 

I do not personally partake, but I understand the kids these days are really into those ‘funny cigarettes.’ I must confess it never occurred to me to shove a THC-laden extract of pot mixed with coconut oil up in my ladybusiness, but I imagine that some folks will be very excited about this particular innovation. It’s only available to California residents with a doctor’s recommendation letter, though, so don’t go hunting for it in the yeast infection/sexual funstuff aisle of CVS just yet.

I am unusual amongst the women I hang with in that I never hopped the wine train – I’m strictly a bourbon and hard cider gal. That being said, I’m not entirely sure I’d be down with my favorite booze slicking up my toys and my husband, but again – I imagine some people will be all about this. This lubricant also may unseat the Head of State Dildo for the coveted “Way too many cutesy sex puns on one box” award.

Bad Dragon is a silicone dildo company that has grown to impressive heights in the last handful of years, specializing in furry-friendly anthromorph-ish dils – essentially, if you want a Griffin Cock, they’re your go-to. Their cum lube is well…pretty much exactly what it advertises. Looks and feels like the real deal. So…yep. It exists. You’re welcome, internet.

See ya next WSTOTW, Toychickers!

Still Alive…

Hello, my sexy friends!

So. Between moving, firing up a new business and finally getting around to founding my copywriting firm, my life has been pretty full as of late. I now balance a part-time job as an admin assistant 16 hours a week, write product descriptions and articles early in the morning and late into the night, and sell bits and bobs from auctions pretty much anywhere I can. In short, I’ve been hustling!

2014 has been a tough year for our little house so far, losing a beloved dog to old age and a sweet outdoor cat to feline leukemia early in the year, in addition to grappling with a grim prognosis of breast cancer in my mother in law very recently, but ToySir and I are handling it to the best of our abilities. Throughout all of that, I’ve missed you guys! This blog needs a little love, I know, and I’m going to start giving it the attention it deserves – it’s a little crazy how much traffic I’ve gotten without posting a thing, so clearly you guys are interested in what I’m putting out there. (Thank you for that. 🙂

I invite manufacturers and distributors to contact me if you’d like your products showcased, I need to start hunting down fodder again!

 

-TTC