Weird Sex Toys O The Week REVIEW: Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

It should come as no surprise to those that know me to admit I have a genuine passion for the “unusual” in the adult arena. My foot vagina, despite being laden with phthalates and scaring the bejeesus out of me when I forget I left it in a drawer, remains one of my prized possessions. To that end, when the gent behind AbsoluteNaughty.com asked me if I was interested in reviewing sex kneepads, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation – I volunteered as joint-padded tribute before I was done reading the email.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

My package of passionate padding.

Okay, well, it looked harmless enough. My first impression was that the sex kneepads seemed very large, but I had virtually no experience with kneepads before in my life – of sex, construction or even sport variety – so I figured this was likely the norm. I trudged off to the bathtub to shave my legs because…well, yeah. I mean, I was going to photograph them and I didn’t want pictorial evidence of how lazy I am with periodic leg shaving. Usually my knees are just an obstacle course that I give half a mind to when I’m shaving. It’s just a nick collector, but this time I was forced to pay attention because that area would potentially be front and center. I noticed a few things:

1.) Knees are weird. They’re like lumpy potatoes.

2.) I now totally understood not only the intrinsic comfort of padding these suckers, but also maybe having the option to conceal them.

3.) I feel like I have big knees. Is that weird? They look like overgrown elbows.

4.) This – this is never going to be an erogenous zone for me.

I patted myself dry and wandered back over to the bed, where I proceeded to examine my new coital knee accessories, which I’d affectionately been dubbing “lingerie kneepads” to my friends on twitter. They arrive in an interesting and surprisingly sturdy (for a free sex toy bag, anyway) mesh drawstring pouch, adorned with an Absolute Naughty label.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

Front Side of the Kneepads – I got pink lacing, but there is also red lacing and plain black with studs available.

The front is a sort of triple-pieced black pleather type material, laced up like a corset with thick hot pink elastic cord. The back is just plain foam padding/backing. I was concerned that it was just going to tie around the top of the knee and kind of hang there like a tunic, but once I untied the cords I realized that there is a set of ties at both the top and bottom. This bodes well for actually staying on the knee.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

The top one’s flipped over to show the underside, here.

Again, I was struck by the size of them. I measured them, and my tape showed that they’re approximately 6″ wide to a side. I’m approximately a size 20-22, so my knees weren’t totally out of proportion, but it makes me wonder what they’d look like on a gal that was built a little less broad than I. The stitching was, much like the bag, surprisingly sturdy for an item that a lot of people would probably classify as a novelty.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

The measurement. Ignore my weird measuring tape, the correct inches are at the top line.

The moment of truth? I tied them on, expecting that the elastic tie cords would cut off my circulation immediately, as the cords were just long enough to make a small bow. Much to my surprise, they didn’t. I don’t know if it’s because Absolute Naughty opted for a flat “satin” type elastic cord rather than a round one, but I was glad to be incorrect about this. They were present in my mind, but not in an annoying or unpleasant way. I took a moment to admire them, now that I was “suited up.”

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

Tah dah!

And then….I stood up. My husband, on the phone with a friend of his, wandered into the bedroom and had to cover the mouthpiece to muffle a bark of laughter. Mind you, I was nude except for the lingerie kneepads, so I’m sure it was a sight to behold. I awkwardly walked over to him, looked down at my knees, and back up to his face before I confessed that I felt like a sexy ninja turtle. Because of their size and the way they tie on, one needs to walk carefully to prevent the top set of tie straps from rolling down the leg, and they end up feeling a little like leg armor as opposed to a sensual accessory while you’re on the move.

That being said, if you plan on posing on the bed or standing alongside it just prior to getting down (pun intended), I could see these being worked into a routine. They do offer the padding they advertise, and the thoughtful use of pleather and flat lacing over metal eyeholes and round lacing mean that you’re not dumping your body weight on painfully bruising hardware. Was I kneeling on a feather pillow? No. But if you’re going knees-to-the-floor, these babies could keep you in the game a little longer.

If you want a gag gift that isn’t festooned with cartoon penises but still gives a nudge-nudge wink-wink, these would be a cute, unusual and potentially very useful present. The pair I received is available with red, black or pink lacing, and a male version with a flat-studded strap is available as well.

All four varieties of sex kneepads can be purchased via AbsoluteNaughty.com for  $30 – $32.00 USD.

9 Comments »

UPDATE: Weird Sex Toys O The Week – “Foot Masturbators” Edition

I get a disturbing amount of hits for a foot toy post I made about 3 years ago. I know foot fetishists tend to be a passionate bunch, but I’m surprised I continue to get “play” from what I consider a pretty old post. That being said, I like to give my readers what they’re looking for! I’m sprucing up my old post and adding a couple of new toys for all my “sole” brothers (and sisters!) out there – this way, everyone can see at a glance the foot-shaped sex toys available on the market.

The Jesse’s Senso Foot Masturbator – $44.09 on Amazon

Doc Johnson Belladonna’s Foot Soldiers – $44.22 on Amazon

Penthouse® Pet Collection Justine Joli CyberSkin® Foot Job Stroker – $51.64 on Amazon

Pipedreams Basix Rubber Works Little Piggies – $35.90 on Amazon – Solid foot replicas.

Femme Foot Fatale Flesh – $40.99 on Amazon – A female foot shaped butt plug with textured graduation.

I’m sad to report that as of 3/19/2012, the Sifeet Pussyfoot (from the now-defunct Pioneer-Products.com), Kaylani’s Foot Fetish (from California Exotics) and the Serenity’s Little Piggies (from Pipedreams) all look to be discontinued or no longer available. The four items above were the only foot-shaped sex toys I could round up.

Do you know of or manufacturer other foot-shaped sex toys? Please comment below and I’ll be happy to add them!

1 Comment »

…and Then, Suddenly, A Meteor!

I know that it’s supposed to be a hot sex toy for men ‘an all, but when I saw one of Pipedream’s new products, this is where my brain immediately journeyed to:

 

Sex Toy Joke Picture

The gentle Penixasaur forages for his dinner.

( Want a real dino cock? Check out some awesome fantasy silicone dildos from Bad Dragon. )

Leave a comment »

WSTOTW: Wangpants Edition

I love the idea of strapping on. There’s just something about running around the house with a wang bouncing up and down that’s just, well, fun to me. (I realize that it’s a much more serious ritual to some individuals and couples, whom I hope won’t begrudge me a little levity when it comes to dildos. ) That being said, the method of attachment seems to be at least as important as the toy involved, and some solutions are better – and more clever – than others. Here’s a trio that have caught my eye:

The InHerTube Rubber harness, great for vegans and non-leather-wearers! Made from recycled innertubes by an especially talented artist. $70, InHerTube.com

InHerTube.com Rubber Dildo Harness

InHerTube Custom Dildo Harness

The Spareparts Joque harness, made of “swimsuit” material with surprising durability. (Own one of these myself and it’s awesome!) $100, Babeland.com

Spareparts Joque Harness

Spareparts Joque Harness

The RodeoH Brief harness, with an ingenious design that looks like, well, not a harness! $45, RodeoH.com

RodeoH Brief Dildo Harness

RodeoH Brief Dildo Harness

Leave a comment »

More Than Ability

A former co-worker and several-years buddy Shanna Katz was the first one to really make me stop and think about sexuality as it relates to people coping with a disability. We talked about it over tea, over twitter, over email at various points and she opened my eyes about the issues, problems and especially stigmas that those with disabilities face when sex comes into the conversation. Whether it be muscle or flexibility issues, missing limbs, mental problems or other differences from the perceived norm, those that are disabled often deal with being socially sterilized when it comes to sex – the same unfair cell that the elderly are often crowded into.

People tend to like intimacy. They like to make love, touch each other, touch themselves or even just meditate on the idea of being, and the way they express those concepts might not always pull up neatly alongside our own definitions. There are the asexual and those that abstain for personal, religious or cultural reasons, and those instances are as much about intimacy with their belief systems as genital-involved sex is about intimacy in the flesh. Intimacy is important, and trying to take it from someone who defines it differently by mocking or belittling it is nothing less than a violation of their personal human rights. I feel this, in my heart – do I always succeed when it comes to the actual practice? No, but it’s definitely something I aspire to make natural in my interactions.

In my journeys as ThatToyChick, I see echoes of social concepts in the products that pass through my hands or across my screen. It’s heartening to me to know that friends and loved ones that may experience medical issues later on or currently struggle with them have options in the sex toy world when it comes to enhancing their sex life. I was going to make this a “Weird Sex Toys o The Week / WSTOTW” piece, but I felt that would sensationalize and undermine what I’m trying to say here. These toys aren’t weird, they’re cool and progressive – just like the people using them. They open sexual doors and allow connections for people that are trying to not only live with and overcome a disability, but the heavy anchor of the social stigma that goes with it.

 

2 Comments »

Weird Sex Toys O The Week (WSOTW) – Exhibitionist Edition

I have never personally used a glory hole. Taken out of context, it sounds like a delightful french pastry that commemorates liberation of some sort. It is not.

So when I got hailed on twitter by someone that has solved a problem that I never knew existed, I knew I had to share the good(?) news with you, dear readers. Much like blow job bibs, the portable glory hole seems to be gilding the lily a bit, but one can’t deny the sheer head-tilting simplicity of it. In a nut(ha!)shell, these self-proclaimed “Novelty Glory Holes” are pieces of what looks to be heavy duty vinyl or chloroplast (essentially the plastic version of corrugated cardboard, think election lawn signs) printed with the usual suspects in the glory hole location lineup. Jail, a bathroom, a brick wall and….a barn? Whether strung up as a flap in an open doorway or stood up like a fuckable piece of advertising from the movie theater, the time-honored tradition of tab A into slot B takes over from there.

Now for me, the part that piqued my curiosity was the T-shirts. Okay, a lot of “adult” companies have T-shirts – usually they allude to the product in a tongue-in-cheek manner. My hubby rocks my “Working Stiff” shirt from GearEssentials all the time, and occasionally I’ll wear the less-subtle “I Would Fuck Me” tee Xpeeps so kindly sent my way a bit ago. But these….these…they proudly proclaim the full website address right along the bottom, near as I can tell. In addition, the Glory Hole Store should be commended for helping this long-lost pair of unattractive fraternal twins find each other. My money’s on MS paint if the question of how they discovered one another pops up.

Well HELLO Dolly.

Want a portable gloryhole of your very own? It’ll only set you back $89.95, and can be found – as the twins so helpfully remind us – over at GloryHoleStore.com.

 

 

3 Comments »

Weird Sex Toys of the Week: “Pew Pew Edition”

You’ve heard of explosive orgasms, but these toys take it to the next level. Here are some amorous armaments that will keep a good bedroom soldier at the ready:

Gun Dildo

1.) The Gun Dildo from Creative Mouldings – for only $46.95 you can have this non-latex pleasure pistol in all the biological holsters you can round up.

Little Death Ray Vibrator Gun

2.) The “Little Death Ray” vibrator gun from Lady Clankington’s Cabinet of Carnal Curiosities. $99 gets you steampunk style and one beautiful ballistic bedroom toy.

Grenade Masturbator

3.) The Colt Power Stroker. For only $16.07 you too can own a grenade shaped masturbator with an ass in the bottom. So much manly-manness you might spontaneously grow body hair. Or more of it, depending.

Bomb Buttplug

4.) The Bomb Butt Plug by Oxballs. A veritable treasure trove of toys for the WSTOW doesn’t disappoint with this kinky kaboom of a silicone butt plug, available for $48.

Violent Lips Webpage

5.) And if you want to salute your country with your moans of gun-toting ecstasy, look no further than a set of temporary lip tatts from Violent Lips, available as a set of 3 flag lip tattoos for $15.

1 Comment »

Weird Sex Toys Of The Week – There Are No Words Edition

Ladies and gentlemen;

While I strive to provide off-color humor and tongue-in-cheek commentary on this blog, I seldom wander over the proverbial edge. While I’m certainly not family-friendly by a longshot, I try and keep a modicum of classiness to this joint to ensure I don’t startle off skittish readers. There comes a time in every sex toy blogger’s life, though, that something so jaw-droppingly out of the ordinary skates across the radar that I’m compelled to mindlessly share it with you. *

It’s a shit dildo. There is no other way to say it. No, those of you in the back still clinging with panic to the notion that maybe I meant a poorly-constructed sex toy. I mean an ACTUAL shit dildo.

I won’t post the picture for those with sensitive stomachs, but you can view this…erm…very special toy here. Shit Dildo Link (Holy FUCK this is soooo NSFW)

…at…least…it’s…….silicone?

*kinda like that video tape in The Ring.

9 Comments »

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: “This Really Exists?” Edition

Hello, Dear Readers.

I make no mistake that the vast majority of visitors to my humble blog come for WTF-ishness and not my stellar writing skillz. With that in mind, I’m going to make a very concentrated effort to keep my WSTOTW feature actually weekly, and not…less so…as it’s been previously. I would like to add the caveat to this feature that an item’s spotlight here doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad/unsexy item, only that it’s a little left of normal for some sex toy dabblers. It’s my aim to provoke interest and discussion – certain flavored items have spawned discussions about sexual hygiene stances, for instance, while dildo shapes have often had the blogosphere buzzing about anatomical reality versus perceptions.

That being said, I present you with an array of goodies that are likely to make some heads tilt:

Cockattoo Penis Tattoo Sleeves

1.) The Cockattoo : A temporary tattoo for….your penis. Sure, they’re no Dapper Dicks costumes, or Tuxedo Condoms, or even Happenis Hats, but they’re definitely unusual. Guys, I was with you right up until the Marriage Proposal one.  I never in my life imagined that I’d have to turn to my partner and inform him that he was not allowed to propose via a cock tattoo.  Granted, the odd photoshopping of a penis-beak on a black palm cockatoo (I was raised in a bird family, long story) and the pseudo lounge-music on the site were also a bit off-putting, as was the glow-in-the-dark ring toss sleeve option, but I imagine somewhere there’s a guy that loves humiliation and is chomping at the (cock-shaped, tattooed) bit to get at these suckers.

Divine Interventions Bible Sex Toy

2.) Divine Interventions’ Bible Thumper ($27, Black or Silver). You’ve heard of well-placed bibles stopping bullets, but have you ever heard of a good book containing one? This sex toy is essentially a silicone sleeve for your favorite bullet, and measures a diminutive 2.75 inches tall by  2 inches wide. For blasphemy lovers, this one is hard to beat (har!), especially with a little Holy Water Lube.

Cthulu Dildo

3.) Mythos Art Dildo ($175) – Finally, your love for H.P. Lovecraft and the elder gods can be your LOVE for H.P. Lovecraft and the elder gods. Necronomicox, of recent fame for their realistic Zombie Dildos, continues to appeal to the loins of the sci-fi crowds.

Leave a comment »

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week – Wang Bibs & Labia Makeup Edition

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, but there are a few WTF-worthy inventions that alert readers have pointed me to. Apparently, there is a market for festooning one’s favorite (or personal) wang with all manner of attachments that either ensure the testicles don’t get dribbled on (the horror) or, much like truck nuts, announce one’s dubious taste in self-expression in a…unique…fashion. Need a scented cock-mounted napkin that “masks body odor” after or during oral sex? We’ve got that covered too. Are your labia faded from years of wear? No worries – we’ll get that georgia o’ keefe back to a matte finish caribbean salmon in no time, courtesy of an unidentified powder that has been on TV and a website told me is totally safe!

I present: CockBib, via CockBib.com , The Lickie Dickie, via LickieDickie.com, and Labia Dye, via MyNewPinkButton.com

…enjoy?

-TTC

1 Comment »