Weird Sex Toys O The Week REVIEW: Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

It should come as no surprise to those that know me to admit I have a genuine passion for the “unusual” in the adult arena. My foot vagina, despite being laden with phthalates and scaring the bejeesus out of me when I forget I left it in a drawer, remains one of my prized possessions. To that end, when the gent behind AbsoluteNaughty.com asked me if I was interested in reviewing sex kneepads, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation – I volunteered as joint-padded tribute before I was done reading the email.

My package of passionate padding.

Okay, well, it looked harmless enough. My first impression was that the sex kneepads seemed very large, but I had virtually no experience with kneepads before in my life – of sex, construction or even sport variety – so I figured this was likely the norm. I trudged off to the bathtub to shave my legs because…well, yeah. I mean, I was going to photograph them and I didn’t want pictorial evidence of how lazy I am with periodic leg shaving. Usually my knees are just an obstacle course that I give half a mind to when I’m shaving. It’s just a nick collector, but this time I was forced to pay attention because that area would potentially be front and center. I noticed a few things:

1.) Knees are weird. They’re like lumpy potatoes.

2.) I now totally understood not only the intrinsic comfort of padding these suckers, but also maybe having the option to conceal them.

3.) I feel like I have big knees. Is that weird? They look like overgrown elbows.

4.) This – this is never going to be an erogenous zone for me.

I patted myself dry and wandered back over to the bed, where I proceeded to examine my new coital knee accessories, which I’d affectionately been dubbing “lingerie kneepads” to my friends on twitter. They arrive in an interesting and surprisingly sturdy (for a free sex toy bag, anyway) mesh drawstring pouch, adorned with an Absolute Naughty label.

Front Side of the Kneepads – I got pink lacing, but there is also red lacing and plain black with studs available.

The front is a sort of triple-pieced black pleather type material, laced up like a corset with thick hot pink elastic cord. The back is just plain foam padding/backing. I was concerned that it was just going to tie around the top of the knee and kind of hang there like a tunic, but once I untied the cords I realized that there is a set of ties at both the top and bottom. This bodes well for actually staying on the knee.

The top one’s flipped over to show the underside, here.

Again, I was struck by the size of them. I measured them, and my tape showed that they’re approximately 6″ wide to a side. I’m approximately a size 20-22, so my knees weren’t totally out of proportion, but it makes me wonder what they’d look like on a gal that was built a little less broad than I. The stitching was, much like the bag, surprisingly sturdy for an item that a lot of people would probably classify as a novelty.

The measurement. Ignore my weird measuring tape, the correct inches are at the top line.

The moment of truth? I tied them on, expecting that the elastic tie cords would cut off my circulation immediately, as the cords were just long enough to make a small bow. Much to my surprise, they didn’t. I don’t know if it’s because Absolute Naughty opted for a flat “satin” type elastic cord rather than a round one, but I was glad to be incorrect about this. They were present in my mind, but not in an annoying or unpleasant way. I took a moment to admire them, now that I was “suited up.”

Tah dah!

And then….I stood up. My husband, on the phone with a friend of his, wandered into the bedroom and had to cover the mouthpiece to muffle a bark of laughter. Mind you, I was nude except for the lingerie kneepads, so I’m sure it was a sight to behold. I awkwardly walked over to him, looked down at my knees, and back up to his face before I confessed that I felt like a sexy ninja turtle. Because of their size and the way they tie on, one needs to walk carefully to prevent the top set of tie straps from rolling down the leg, and they end up feeling a little like leg armor as opposed to a sensual accessory while you’re on the move.

That being said, if you plan on posing on the bed or standing alongside it just prior to getting down (pun intended), I could see these being worked into a routine. They do offer the padding they advertise, and the thoughtful use of pleather and flat lacing over metal eyeholes and round lacing mean that you’re not dumping your body weight on painfully bruising hardware. Was I kneeling on a feather pillow? No. But if you’re going knees-to-the-floor, these babies could keep you in the game a little longer.

If you want a gag gift that isn’t festooned with cartoon penises but still gives a nudge-nudge wink-wink, these would be a cute, unusual and potentially very useful present. The pair I received is available with red, black or pink lacing, and a male version with a flat-studded strap is available as well.

All four varieties of sex kneepads can be purchased via AbsoluteNaughty.com for  $30 – $32.00 USD.

Review: Astroglide X Silicone Lubricant

When I was fortunate enough to win a contest held by the fine folks of Astroglide on twitter, they sent me a happy lil care package with some fun lubes to try out.  Any toychick worth her sexy salt knows that there are almost no sex toys or acts that aren’t improved by lube, so it made getting down to business with the slippery stuff easier than scheduling a timeslot for G-spotting, or cock ring play, etc.

I am almost always trying to de-pants my mate, with the very understandable justification that he looks awesome without pants on.  Astroglide X in hand, I promptly dragged him into the bedroom to manual manual minstrations in the name of science. He once again lost the valiant struggle to retain his pants-wearing preference.

The first thing I noticed was that the lube was body temperature almost immediately. Usually, I dab a little in my palm and swirl it around so I’m not grabbing his junk whilst slathered up with girl-squeak-inducingly cold liquid. But this? It almost came out of the bottle warm. I was also expecting a thick liquid – sort of the consistency of karo syrup – as this had been my previous experience with other silicone lubricants. Not so with Astroglide X! My first impression was how very like oil it was, both in the “thin” feel and spread. It coated lightly with very little assistance, but could be runny if you didn’t get it rubbed in right away. I really felt like I was using massage oil to rub him down, so Astroglide X would be awesome for people who love oil, but have to stay away from naughty bits for condom safety (oil will break down latex, making condoms ineffective).

The lubricant stayed warm throughout the time I used it, though it is to be noted I found myself applying it more frequently than other silicone lubricants. I’m not used to “refreshing” silicone lube while I’m using it, but it really only took a few drops to do so.  I imagine it would be great for couple sex and trying it with toys, more of a slick-and-thrust sort of play, but we decided we preferred our regular water-based for handjob use. It’s not to say the Astroglide X won’t be a nearby accessory – we plan on trying it out for other play in the near future. The guy also reports that it isn’t insanely hard to clean off his naughty bits, like other silicone lubes we’ve tried. (they hold up great to shower sex, but can be a pain in the ass to wash off)

Want to buy Astroglide X? You can purchase it here for $13.99.

Adam and Eve Beaded Glass Dildo Review

I was probably the last sexbloggish person to get into the whole “glass” thing, having only procured my first toy last year. I like my stuff squishy, so how could I possibly like something so unyielding? Oh, I did. Frequently. There’s nothing quite like the absolutely frictionless feel of glass, how effortlessly it pops in and out and how little lube one needs to enjoy it.

Porous materials, like jelly, actually absorb some of the things that make lube…lubey…and leave you with a sticky mess afterward – all the NON water components of water based lubricants. The body will also do this, of course, but not as quickly as some of the more porous toys. Why do I mention this? Because imagine what a nice, solid, non-porous toy does to stretch the usefulness of your lube in a given sexy session. It’s the (magnified) difference between pouring lube on a glass coffee table vs a kitchen sponge.

Where my first dildo was essentially a skinny wand with a small bulb at the end (like so), this glass dildo offers a lot more girth and texture to enjoy. The fat bulb on the end makes handling it pretty easy, and the four knobs are placed perfectly for curling the fingers between, enabling the user to rub the “twisty” end against anywhere they choose.  If the large ball is held in the palm, the twisty end and first ball combine with the toy’s subtle curve to make the perfect shallow thrusting toy to arouse the sensitive vaginal entrance.

The large ball end is not so huge as to make this glass dildo unmanageable when flipped around, either.  I wouldn’t recommend this as an anal toy, however, even despite the seemingly made-for-it graduated bulges…there is no flanged base and the potential for an “oh whoops”, especially all lubed up, is high.  Also worth noting is that my toy’s swirls are separated a bit from each other, giving a little “valley” between each swirl…the picture on Adam and Eve’s site makes it seem like they are closer together. These dildos are not, to the best of my knowledge, machine-made, so each is bound to vary a bit.

The pale purple color is very nice, too. Glass toys definitely benefit from a nice pastel shade to show off their natural material.  The red velvet bag will protect from light scratches and the casual snooper, but the lack of padding won’t secure it from more serious mishandling (like dropping it on concrete or something) nor will the drawstring closure deter persistent bedroom investigators.

Price wise, there’s just no arguing it’s awesome – $24.95! It’s a really cheap glass dildo that’s high on quality, which makes for a great combo.  It’s an Adam and Eve exclusive, too, so they’re the only place you’ll find this lovely piece of purple pleasure.  The Cyberglass (essentially pyrex glass) material can be lightly heated or cooled, but use common sense and don’t overdo it..if the temp can’t be comfortably held against the skin, it’s too much for both you and the toy! If you’re looking for a decent cheap lube, I tried mine out with Adam and Eve’s Pure Essentials Water Based Lubricant.

-TTC

Mia Vibrator Review – Thanks www.GoodVibes.com!

Click Here to See The Mia!

I’ve been a fan of Lelo products since I was first introduced to them a few years ago. Jelly novelty vibes with misspelled packaging are all well and good when you’re 18 and broke, but now that I’m in my mid-20s I wanted a better class of sex toy. GoodVibes.com was kind enough to send me what has become one of my new favorite toys for a test run.

Thankfully, Lelo’s resoundingly answered the call with the Mia vibrator. I was delighted to find it was all I was hoping it would be, and then some! It was just as compact and discreet as it looked, elegantly packaged, and had functions which I didn’t remember reading about, but was happy to discover upon reading the easy to understand user manual.

The box it arrives in has a glossy slipcover over a black box that is durable and perfect to use for storage. It has a tidy plastic tray that perfectly fits both the Mia and her cap, and all the accessories underneath. With this cute vibrator comes a USB cord (the Mia can also plug directly into the computer, but it’s nice to have an optional cord for discretion or tight spaces), a white satin drawstring pouch, a one year manufacturer warranty, and the user manual.

Mia is no larger than a tube of lipstick, and shaped so it would easily pass for one in the jumble of a purse. When the cap is removed and the vibrator is plugged directly into a USB port, it looks like a flash drive or memory stick, preventing any raised eyebrows or prying eyes from discovering your secret. The Mia is smooth plastic, with a rounded tip that’s perfect for clitoral play. I received the pink version, but there’s also a lovely maroon purple available.

Sure, she looks pretty, but how does Mia perform, you ask? Admirably. The vibrations are super quiet, but more than enough to deliver, especially at the highest level. The silicone pad has small + and – buttons that light up when you press and hold them, allowing you to see as you scroll through vibration speeds and three pulsing patterns. I believe there are ten speeds in all, but it’s a bit hard to tell, especially in the middle of the range. My advice is to just hold down the + key until it feels good.

Because the Mia has a silicone pad, I only used water based lubricants with it to be safe (Silicone lubricant bonds to silicone toys and can ruin them). With the cap on, there is what looks to be a silicone seal that keeps lube and secretions from messing up the USB plug, which is a nice touch. I played with Mia with the cap on, because it made it much easier to maneuver and use – I have to imagine it’s designed to be used this way.

For every two hours of charge you get 3-4 hours of play, so this is one case where a rechargeable sex toy is both hassle-free and doesn’t sacrifice power. I just keep my Mia plugged in behind my computer when I’m not using it, just like a cell phone, so it’s always ready to go. My one complaint is that it seems strange Lelo didn’t go a tiny step further and make this computer powered vibrator a computer controlled one! I’d love to see a Mia 2 that is able to be controlled remotely through the internet.

Goodvibes.com has the Mia at a very competitive price, too! Just click the banner at the top to check her out for yourself. 🙂

-TTC

Review: “Bedding Down” – A Collection of Winter Erotica

(Edited to add, 12/14/09: This book is available on Amazon, here for less than 12 bucks!)

Ms. Bussel has taken the traditional erotica compilation and allowed it to breathe with her latest anthology, Bedding Down. I’m never one to turn down smut, mind you, and often use erotic literature for mental foreplay, but Bedding Down was not (if you’ll pardon the expression) your run of the mill bodice-ripper.

Bedding Down calls on a host of excellent erotica writers, most of whom I’ve had the pleasure of reading in other anthologies. These stories are not afraid to explore the darker side of winter twined in alongside sensual heat, like the embers of a fire on a snowy night. Death is lightly touched upon in two stories, and the struggle to balance between everyday life, decisions and time together is very eloquently displayed.

I enjoyed the book as a whole, with the only story I wasn’t overly fond of being the first (One Night in Winter by Kristina Wright), but only then because it took me awhile to decipher which character was which; the premise and the sex were still lovely to read. Alison Tyler adds a bit of levity with the exasperated and ever-hopeful heroine of “It’s Not The Weather”, and Sophie Mouette’s “Hidden Treasure” plunges you into a spirited romp in a dark mansion. The struggle against the cold is engagingly laid out in Gwen Masters’ “Six Weeks on Sunrise Mountain, Colorado”, and Marilyn Jaye Lewis’ “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” echoed some of my own experiences of being engaged with all the drawn out discussions on the future that entails.

My favorite story (which surprised me a bit because I’m normally more amiable towards lighthearted offerings) was definitely Isabelle Grey’s “Northern Exposure”. It made the heart ache in both sadness and happiness and actually made me tear up, which is for me the sign of excellent writing. A close second is Shanna Germain’s “Sweet Season”, which makes perfect use of setting to draw the reader into sights, sounds, and scents; I’m also partial to Vermont culture, so that didn’t hurt!

All in all, a book that I’m very pleased to own, and an absolutely stunning read in the subtle beginnings of December. Best enjoyed with a mug of hot cocoa, a box of tissues, and maybe a bit of time with a handsome leading man.

-TTC

Sex in the name of science: Semenex!

I’ll get this right out there: I have no problems with…uhm…cleanup after oral. After all that work, I feel like scrabbling for a tissue or running to the bathroom is kind of wasteful, somehow. Like churning butter for a half hour and then throwing it in the woods, you know?

But the idea of a sex “toy” that would alter my partner intrigued me. Like entangling our sex life with some secret government serum, I wanted to fuck with his body chemistry in the name of sexual science. Semenex claims to neutralize that bitter “egg whites and seawater” taste of semen that turns a lot of women off to oral in general or swallowing in particular. I was interested, but the 16 oz GNC-sized tub seemed a little overkill and difficult to stash discreetly, but imagine my surprise when I stumbled across a tiny purse-sized canister recently. We dropped the $10 bucks and drove home, much of the way spent discussing the dubious intentions of a semen cookbook my astute twitter friends had alerted me to recently.

I cheerfully read the directions on the Semenex package, anticipating with glee trying this new sex toy o’ the future, and was dismayed to discover we just dropped $10 on a one-shot (pun intended) deal. Evidently we were supposed to drop this whole thing into a drink. The ingredients were nothing unorthodox – fruit and vegetable extracts, and as any good sexgal worth her salt knows, pineapple and apple juice will accomplish much of the proposed same effect, with much cheaper prices. But hey, might as well give it a go.

For all the instructions I’ve followed in my life, these were probably the most fun. Semenex requires the male ejaculate to get all the “bad tasting” sperm out…naturally, I was glad to help because I needed a control taste anyway. After the pre-experiment fun, my guy went and dumped the pumpkin-pie smelling powder into a glass of milk and downed it. Then we waited the minimum 12 hours, as suggested, going about our business while his semen improved itself.

Later that evening, we were both exhausted and unsexy – this is one of the perils of Semenex. Like certain sex supplements, you have a window of time to enjoy the benefits, and after that you’re out of luck. Thankfully, a couple of explicit whispers had him harder than a telephone pole, and I got to work.

I am happy to say it DOES make a very real difference. If you’re expecting your guy to start spewing sweettarts, you’ll be disappointed, but otherwise it’s great. I would strongly recommend it to anyone trying to get their partner into oral – same sex, opposite sex, or trans – because it definitely works. No bitterness or that bleachy egg white kind of taste that makes many people sadly eschew oral. I would say that if you downed it with a glass of apple or pineapple juice and avoided smoking and coffee beforehand (both of which make semen bitter), you’d have even more impressive results.

Naturally, I wish they’d make it more affordable, but if you’re going to drop the money, might as well be on something proven, right? 😉

-That Toy Chick

The JESTER from Vixen Creations!

Pardon me while I finish hyperventilating into a paper bag.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I am something of a crazed ferret when it comes to new toys, and anything thusly related. New concepts are my addiction, doubly so in the sex toy industry universe. I scour the trade mags, keep one ear to the ground, and gab with anybody who will stand still long enough about the latest and greatest to hit the scene.

Vixen Creations has ever so kindly allowed me to tap directly in to one of the neatest silicone manufacturers out there. They send me amazing little boxes o’ new stuff, stuff that hasn’t hit the market yet, that I mount on my desk with all the pride of a cheetah that just bagged a gazelle.

‘cept I never have to leave my desk, the gazelle is a rather disinterested UPS man, and I’m wearing sweatpants no cheetah would be caught dead in.

ANYhoo. The latest box of joy landed on my doorstep this afternoon, and I’m starting to get a pavlovian vagina-twinging response to Vixen’s return address on package labels. Mmm. I carefully cut open the box (Silicone has no natural enemies in the wild, save for other silicone and sharp knives) and immediately pulled out a hefty fistful of shimmering teal and deep navy squishy goodness. I puzzled for a second, then the lightbulb went off…this was THE concept toy I had been so thoughtfully informed of awhile back. The JESTER!

The basic gist of it? Hitachi = good. Double Dildos = awesome. Silicone = OMGyes. Put them together and your TTC here is trying not to physically ricochet off the walls with joy. I held it up, hummed the triforce theme from zelda, and was rewarded with a rather annoyed and quizzical look from my cats. The rabbit, to her credit, continued to eat hay and avoided eye contact with the increasingly erratic tall-thing-that-brings-lettuce.

The Jester is 11 1/2″ long, unbent, and about 4″ tall. The shorter dildo is 4 1/2″ long when bent straight, 4 1/2″ in circumference at the widest insertable point, and is pleasantly textured into three sections. The longer dildo is, I believe, based on the Raquel model (a favorite, incidentally, of Ms. Essin Em’), and is 6″ long when bent straight, 5 1/4″ in circumference at the widest insertable point, and has a nice bulbous head.

The center takes a hint from the super-sexy Off With Your Head cap, incorporating three pronounced ridges for all sorts of fun applications. The main idea, if I’m guessing right, is to turn the hitachi head side down, slide on the cap (with a little water-based lube around the inside edges for easy on and off!) and insert one or both stems in willing partner(s). Vixen Creations has even thoughtfully shaped in a protruding nubs on the base at each side for clitoral stimulation during penetration!

Tipping the scales at just over a pound of luscious, boilable, body-friendly silicone, this super sweet hitachi cap resembles it’s namesake, and is just full of shimmery beauty. I love it. A lot. Like, a whole lot.

-TTC

Vixen Creations Astro Vibe – The Specs

See all nude photos of Astro in this week’s TTC:Reviews! Hot Orange-on-Green action that just won’t quit!

What’s big, thick, ridged, and super sexy? The Vixen Creations Astro Vibe!

The Astro: 7″ long | 6.5″ Insertable | 5.75 Circumference | 11 Ounces

I recently had a chance to sit down with the Astro and talk shop about relationships, life, and its recent travels across the G-spot.

TTC: Astro, it’s a pleasure to have you visit us here at TTC. Inquiring readers want to know – what sets you apart from the wealth of dildos on the market?

Astro: Well, TTC, it’s not easy to have ribs in a straight-shaft society, but I’ve learned to love my curves! People have said I’m a little bent, and…well I mean I can’t really refute that. I definitely lean to the left – well, right, it depends on how you look at it. In any case, it came in handy on my last trip!

TTC: Lets talk about that; your recent travels across the G-spot have earned you some enthusiastic acclaim. How was your trip?

Astro: Oh, it was wonderful! A little dark, sure, but I slid in on a late flight and it just felt – I guess I’d say made for me? Yeah, it felt like I really belonged. The locals seemed *very* happy to have me there – I guess other explorers before me didn’t quite connect with them the way I was able to. There was a lot of close contact and I was firm on my goals.

TTC: And what was your purpose? Did you accomplish what you set out to?

Astro: Oh, I definitely did. There was a lot of talks with the harness coalition, there’s going to be a lot of collaboration in the future with them. It was a goodwill mission, and everyone was smiling when I left, so I must be doing something right, huh? (laughs)

TTC: One last question – what do you say to those ugly rumors that you had phthalate work done?

Astro: (laughs) I can’t believe people don’t realize there’s no truth to it! Listen, I’m all silicone…no add ons here! I’m naturally thick, soft, and flexible, and if people can’t accept that, that’s a pity.

-TTC

Review (Book): “Yes, Sir” edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Yes, Sir  – Edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel

This is one of those books that makes one gleeful to see on the shelf, and, if you’ll pardon the pun here, own. As a well-established anthology junkie and submissive, I was anxious in my appreciation for both facets and found this book to be a true gem.

Filled with lots of yummy dominants with a very heavy (all-but-one) focus on males in positions of power, Yes, Sir explores not only the goosebumps-inducing physical side to play but also that delicate and exquisite framework of mental bondage. The peace of play between a top and bottom as they progress through a scene, the zen of submission and Domination, is captured eloquently here by a passel of talented writers, and elegantly arranged by Ms. Bussel. Indeed, her own contribution is squirm-worthy and seems more than able to make a girl’s fingers reach for her hitachi as a reading companion.

It’s not to say I enjoyed every entry in the book – a few (When Harry Met Penny, Ribbons) weren’t written in a style that appealed to my taste, but may very likely spark imagination or lust in readers than myself. Others are as close as a Dom breathing against the back of your ear…hot, heavy, and impossible to ignore in all the good ways. These erotic interludes (In The Corner, The Power of No, The Day I Came In Public) turned me on and ensured a very lucky night to my somewhat blindsided partner. Bedtime stories, indeed!

I enjoyed the book so much, in fact, that I’m looking into getting its counterpart, “Yes, Ma’am” to add to my collection of erotica. As a final note – There are several twists sprinkled throughout the stories, making this volume interesting both as a whole, and as individual offerings. “Yes, Sir” also contains a lot of stories that long-distance lovers and partners on busy schedules could easily enjoy and maybe even emulate.