Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Toybox Edition

As long as there are toys and puberty-driven libidos and curiosity in the world, there will always be a slightly uncomfortable intersection of the two. Imprints are made, bodies are discovered, and before you know it things like vibrating rubber duckies are flooding (har!) the market.

Big Teaze Toys I Rub My Duckie

 

And then, naturally, the overwhelming urge to stash, hide, obscure or otherwise disavow visual connection with the same buzzing toys that we smoosh in and around our genitals on the regular. Even long after we move out of the family home and set up boundaries in adulthood, we somehow still feel that urge to pretend we don’t have toys. What better way to hide them than with a…toy?

Hide-a-Vibe Teddy from ShopInPrivate.com

And then, of course, you have the toys that are both toys and toys. The I Rub My Duckie falls into this category, but it’s still a bit tongue-in-cheek. It could pass for a massager if it absolutely had to. You know what kinda can’t? The Cunnilingus Mcstuffins – er, I mean, Teddy Love here.

See if you can spot the “discreet vibrating device”.

Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.

…ever.

 

My esteemed dildo colleague Epiphora presented the sexy interwebz with her own brutal takedown of Cunnilingus McStuffins Teddy Love recently as well, if you’d care to read more into Teddygate 2014.

Is this a little disturbing? To the mainstream, sure. But the marketing is the most offensive thing with fluff-n-stuff, in my opinion. Elsewise, he’s just an awkwardly-conceived hybrid of sex toy and stuffed animal, kind of like a mermaid that ends up with a fish head and human legs instead of vice versa. It’s a joke you cough a stilted laugh at and move on, unless you’re a plushie in which case you go looking for your wallet.

Besides, it’s hardly the most explicit stuffed-animal-you-can-fuck on the market…

Teddy Babes from LoveHoney.co.uk

The SugarlipsProject: Sweet Release is on Board!

 

I’m pleased to say that Sweet Release is the first company to step forward and be a part of the Sugarlips Project. They were kind enough to send me a bottle of both the male and female pills, so it looks like ToySir is going to have to slip on a scientist’s coat as well for this juncture. We’ll need to take these pills for several days and…well…let’s just say nature hasn’t been cooperating on my end, so we’ll both start as soon as nature has abated.

Sweet Release Soft Citrus is the feminine version – users need to take one pill twice a day, and it’s recommended to take it with meals. The Sweet Release ingredients consist of a proprietary blend called crancitrin (I imagine it’s cranberry and citrus of some sort), cranberry powder, grapefruit powder, lemon fruit powder and gelatin for the capsule.

Sweet Release Hard Apple is, unsurprisingly, for men. Once again, the dosage is one pill twice a day with meals. The Sweet Release ingredients in this blend include another proprietary fruit solid mixture, cranberry powder, mango powder, blueberry powder, dark sweet cherry and gelatin for the capsule.

Each jar contains 60 pills – a month’s supply. ToySir and I are going to give it a go for about 4 days, and make sure the “pipes are clear” beforehand, so to speak. Men make sperm ahead of time, so we want to encourage the body to make a new batch while he’s got the extracts in his system for maximum effect. 🙂

 

Project Sugarlips: Baseline

(FYI, if you know me as a family member or a non-BDSMy friend, don’t read the Sugarlips series, please. It’s very explicit and I don’t need to have certain people knowing what happens when I’m doing things to my husband with my face. Thanks!)

I don’t remember what erotic book I read it in, but there’s a passage in which a female protagonist compares the taste of semen to a mixture of “eggwhites and seawater” – a description that has always stuck with me. Numerous biological clues have hinted my husband is very well suited to me as a partner – the lack of lube not the least of them – and the fact that his semen has no ammonia taste (the “eggwhite” side of things) to me might be another. I consider that ammonia-taste unpleasantly similar to cleaning products, personally, though there may be other gals or guys that dig it.

I concentrated during my last oral session, tasting him beyond the swallow/kiss/cuddle usual end of things. Much like wine, guy-stuff takes on different levels of complexity when it’s held in the mouth while breathing through the nose. (I know, some of you non-swallowers are squicked out here, but just bear in mind this is all in the name of science to help YOU.) My husband is, to my palate, delightfully neutral, though a tinge of that ammonia-undertone sneaks in after a few moments. That being said, I’m going to use that end-hint as my baseline – a good “sweetener” should wipe that out or delay/mute the taste by changing the PH balance of the ejaculate itself.

My husband quit smoking about a year ago, so we don’t have that to contend with, and he doesn’t drink coffee either, so we dodge that. Both of these contributors can make semen bitter or acrid-tasting, and general advice for partners who want their man to taste better almost always mention that these should be reduced or eliminated.

So. That being said:

• Sweetness (1-10) – 2
• “Ammonia” (1-10) – 2, at the 1 min mark.
• Viscosity (1-10) -4

I will note our observations with the experimental supplements (increase in volume/intensity, etc) on a case-by-case basis. Next installment will be pineapple, more than likely – after that, it looks like our first sponsor will be Sweet Release, though I’m waiting to hear the final details from their camp.

Project Sugarlips Go: In Which My Hubby’s a Lucky Bastard

So, my recent foray into Masque Oral Sex Strips got me to thinking. I’ve given curious readers a peek at a product that changes the taste experience of fellatio from the outside – why not from the inside? I am a fellatio enthusiast (while I’d like to say my sparkling personality was the reason I went from first date to wife in under a year, it had some help) as ToySir is happy to attest to, and semen enhancers hold a certain fascination for me. There are several of these products on the market, and I think a comparison experiment is in order.

So far on the roster, we’ll have a “control” application, an “apple cider” application, a “pineapple” application and one application for any of the following that I can snag sponsors for:

• Sweeten69
• Semenex
• Cum D’licious
• SueetX
• YummyCum
• Sweet Release
• Yummy Cummy

Each application will be rated for Difference from Control, Bitterness, “Ammonia” taste, Sweetness, Scent and Overall User Experience. I plan on declaring a winner when all is said and done (this project may take a few weeks, there is a human element here 😉 and possibly even giving some swag away, depending on the generosity of my sponsors. Stay tuned!