Weird Sex Toys O The Week REVIEW: Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

It should come as no surprise to those that know me to admit I have a genuine passion for the “unusual” in the adult arena. My foot vagina, despite being laden with phthalates and scaring the bejeesus out of me when I forget I left it in a drawer, remains one of my prized possessions. To that end, when the gent behind asked me if I was interested in reviewing sex kneepads, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation – I volunteered as joint-padded tribute before I was done reading the email.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

My package of passionate padding.

Okay, well, it looked harmless enough. My first impression was that the sex kneepads seemed very large, but I had virtually no experience with kneepads before in my life – of sex, construction or even sport variety – so I figured this was likely the norm. I trudged off to the bathtub to shave my legs because…well, yeah. I mean, I was going to photograph them and I didn’t want pictorial evidence of how lazy I am with periodic leg shaving. Usually my knees are just an obstacle course that I give half a mind to when I’m shaving. It’s just a nick collector, but this time I was forced to pay attention because that area would potentially be front and center. I noticed a few things:

1.) Knees are weird. They’re like lumpy potatoes.

2.) I now totally understood not only the intrinsic comfort of padding these suckers, but also maybe having the option to conceal them.

3.) I feel like I have big knees. Is that weird? They look like overgrown elbows.

4.) This – this is never going to be an erogenous zone for me.

I patted myself dry and wandered back over to the bed, where I proceeded to examine my new coital knee accessories, which I’d affectionately been dubbing “lingerie kneepads” to my friends on twitter. They arrive in an interesting and surprisingly sturdy (for a free sex toy bag, anyway) mesh drawstring pouch, adorned with an Absolute Naughty label.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

Front Side of the Kneepads – I got pink lacing, but there is also red lacing and plain black with studs available.

The front is a sort of triple-pieced black pleather type material, laced up like a corset with thick hot pink elastic cord. The back is just plain foam padding/backing. I was concerned that it was just going to tie around the top of the knee and kind of hang there like a tunic, but once I untied the cords I realized that there is a set of ties at both the top and bottom. This bodes well for actually staying on the knee.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

The top one’s flipped over to show the underside, here.

Again, I was struck by the size of them. I measured them, and my tape showed that they’re approximately 6″ wide to a side. I’m approximately a size 20-22, so my knees weren’t totally out of proportion, but it makes me wonder what they’d look like on a gal that was built a little less broad than I. The stitching was, much like the bag, surprisingly sturdy for an item that a lot of people would probably classify as a novelty.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

The measurement. Ignore my weird measuring tape, the correct inches are at the top line.

The moment of truth? I tied them on, expecting that the elastic tie cords would cut off my circulation immediately, as the cords were just long enough to make a small bow. Much to my surprise, they didn’t. I don’t know if it’s because Absolute Naughty opted for a flat “satin” type elastic cord rather than a round one, but I was glad to be incorrect about this. They were present in my mind, but not in an annoying or unpleasant way. I took a moment to admire them, now that I was “suited up.”

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

Tah dah!

And then….I stood up. My husband, on the phone with a friend of his, wandered into the bedroom and had to cover the mouthpiece to muffle a bark of laughter. Mind you, I was nude except for the lingerie kneepads, so I’m sure it was a sight to behold. I awkwardly walked over to him, looked down at my knees, and back up to his face before I confessed that I felt like a sexy ninja turtle. Because of their size and the way they tie on, one needs to walk carefully to prevent the top set of tie straps from rolling down the leg, and they end up feeling a little like leg armor as opposed to a sensual accessory while you’re on the move.

That being said, if you plan on posing on the bed or standing alongside it just prior to getting down (pun intended), I could see these being worked into a routine. They do offer the padding they advertise, and the thoughtful use of pleather and flat lacing over metal eyeholes and round lacing mean that you’re not dumping your body weight on painfully bruising hardware. Was I kneeling on a feather pillow? No. But if you’re going knees-to-the-floor, these babies could keep you in the game a little longer.

If you want a gag gift that isn’t festooned with cartoon penises but still gives a nudge-nudge wink-wink, these would be a cute, unusual and potentially very useful present. The pair I received is available with red, black or pink lacing, and a male version with a flat-studded strap is available as well.

All four varieties of sex kneepads can be purchased via for  $30 – $32.00 USD.


The SugarlipsProject: Sweet Release is on Board!

The Sugarlips Project at


I’m pleased to say that Sweet Release is the first company to step forward and be a part of the Sugarlips Project. They were kind enough to send me a bottle of both the male and female pills, so it looks like ToySir is going to have to slip on a scientist’s coat as well for this juncture. We’ll need to take these pills for several days and…well…let’s just say nature hasn’t been cooperating on my end, so we’ll both start as soon as nature has abated.

Sweet Release Oral Sex Enhancer

Sweet Release Soft Citrus is the feminine version – users need to take one pill twice a day, and it’s recommended to take it with meals. The Sweet Release ingredients consist of a proprietary blend called crancitrin (I imagine it’s cranberry and citrus of some sort), cranberry powder, grapefruit powder, lemon fruit powder and gelatin for the capsule.

Sweet Release Hard Apple is, unsurprisingly, for men. Once again, the dosage is one pill twice a day with meals. The Sweet Release ingredients in this blend include another proprietary fruit solid mixture, cranberry powder, mango powder, blueberry powder, dark sweet cherry and gelatin for the capsule.

Each jar contains 60 pills – a month’s supply. ToySir and I are going to give it a go for about 4 days, and make sure the “pipes are clear” beforehand, so to speak. Men make sperm ahead of time, so we want to encourage the body to make a new batch while he’s got the extracts in his system for maximum effect. 🙂



Project Sugarlips: Baseline

Project Sugarlips at

(FYI, if you know me as a family member or a non-BDSMy friend, don’t read the Sugarlips series, please. It’s very explicit and I don’t need to have certain people knowing what happens when I’m doing things to my husband with my face. Thanks!)

I don’t remember what erotic book I read it in, but there’s a passage in which a female protagonist compares the taste of semen to a mixture of “eggwhites and seawater” – a description that has always stuck with me. Numerous biological clues have hinted my husband is very well suited to me as a partner – the lack of lube not the least of them – and the fact that his semen has no ammonia taste (the “eggwhite” side of things) to me might be another. I consider that ammonia-taste unpleasantly similar to cleaning products, personally, though there may be other gals or guys that dig it.

I concentrated during my last oral session, tasting him beyond the swallow/kiss/cuddle usual end of things. Much like wine, guy-stuff takes on different levels of complexity when it’s held in the mouth while breathing through the nose. (I know, some of you non-swallowers are squicked out here, but just bear in mind this is all in the name of science to help YOU.) My husband is, to my palate, delightfully neutral, though a tinge of that ammonia-undertone sneaks in after a few moments. That being said, I’m going to use that end-hint as my baseline – a good “sweetener” should wipe that out or delay/mute the taste by changing the PH balance of the ejaculate itself.

My husband quit smoking about a year ago, so we don’t have that to contend with, and he doesn’t drink coffee either, so we dodge that. Both of these contributors can make semen bitter or acrid-tasting, and general advice for partners who want their man to taste better almost always mention that these should be reduced or eliminated.

So. That being said:

  • Sweetness (1-10) – 2
  • “Ammonia” (1-10) – 2, at the 1 min mark.
  • Viscosity (1-10) -4

I will note our observations with the experimental supplements (increase in volume/intensity, etc) on a case-by-case basis. Next installment will be pineapple, more than likely – after that, it looks like our first sponsor will be Sweet Release, though I’m waiting to hear the final details from their camp.

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Project Sugarlips Go: In Which My Hubby’s a Lucky Bastard

So, my recent foray into Masque Oral Sex Strips got me to thinking. I’ve given curious readers a peek at a product that changes the taste experience of fellatio from the outside – why not from the inside? I am a fellatio enthusiast (while I’d like to say my sparkling personality was the reason I went from first date to wife in under a year, it had some help) as ToySir is happy to attest to, and semen enhancers hold a certain fascination for me. There are several of these products on the market, and I think a comparison experiment is in order.

Sugarlips Project Icon for

So far on the roster, we’ll have a “control” application, an “apple cider” application, a “pineapple” application and one application for any of the following that I can snag sponsors for:

  • Sweeten69
  • Semenex
  • Cum D’licious
  • SueetX
  • YummyCum
  • Sweet Release
  • Yummy Cummy

Each application will be rated for Difference from Control, Bitterness, “Ammonia” taste, Sweetness, Scent and Overall User Experience. I plan on declaring a winner when all is said and done (this project may take a few weeks, there is a human element here 😉 and possibly even giving some swag away, depending on the generosity of my sponsors. Stay tuned!

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Review: Astroglide X Silicone Lubricant


When I was fortunate enough to win a contest held by the fine folks of Astroglide on twitter, they sent me a happy lil care package with some fun lubes to try out.  Any toychick worth her sexy salt knows that there are almost no sex toys or acts that aren’t improved by lube, so it made getting down to business with the slippery stuff easier than scheduling a timeslot for G-spotting, or cock ring play, etc.

I am almost always trying to de-pants my mate, with the very understandable justification that he looks awesome without pants on.  Astroglide X in hand, I promptly dragged him into the bedroom to manual manual minstrations in the name of science. He once again lost the valiant struggle to retain his pants-wearing preference.

The first thing I noticed was that the lube was body temperature almost immediately. Usually, I dab a little in my palm and swirl it around so I’m not grabbing his junk whilst slathered up with girl-squeak-inducingly cold liquid. But this? It almost came out of the bottle warm. I was also expecting a thick liquid – sort of the consistency of karo syrup – as this had been my previous experience with other silicone lubricants. Not so with Astroglide X! My first impression was how very like oil it was, both in the “thin” feel and spread. It coated lightly with very little assistance, but could be runny if you didn’t get it rubbed in right away. I really felt like I was using massage oil to rub him down, so Astroglide X would be awesome for people who love oil, but have to stay away from naughty bits for condom safety (oil will break down latex, making condoms ineffective).

The lubricant stayed warm throughout the time I used it, though it is to be noted I found myself applying it more frequently than other silicone lubricants. I’m not used to “refreshing” silicone lube while I’m using it, but it really only took a few drops to do so.  I imagine it would be great for couple sex and trying it with toys, more of a slick-and-thrust sort of play, but we decided we preferred our regular water-based for handjob use. It’s not to say the Astroglide X won’t be a nearby accessory – we plan on trying it out for other play in the near future. The guy also reports that it isn’t insanely hard to clean off his naughty bits, like other silicone lubes we’ve tried. (they hold up great to shower sex, but can be a pain in the ass to wash off)

Want to buy Astroglide X? You can purchase it here for $13.99.