Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Chocolate Quickie Edition

Few bits of coding have a more puzzling, concerning and thankless job than the tracking algorithms on my Amazon account. On quiet evenings, when I’m looking for a tin of my favorite tea or a jar of fancy cooking spices, I’ll forget how often I talk to all of you here and find that there’s a big rubber horse cock smack dab in the middle of my suggested products. If I’m alone, I get a giggle out of it – if my husband is nearby, I get a raised eyebrow and cautious questions about which route my passions are taking lately. If I have company, though…woo. There’s awkward for you – No no..haha..I don’t…this is for a blog I wr- you know what, nevermind. I’m sorry. I only like horses in a platonic sense, I swear!

Such is the case with chocolate anuses.

Edible chocolate shaped like anuses.

When only the finest of chocolate buttholes will do.

 

Surprisingly chic in their presentation, ten boxes (coworkers! in laws! poly groups! mail carriers!)  of chocolate anuses will set you back $72.95, but can you really put a price on chocolate butthole love? Isn’t your loved one worth approximately $7.30 USD worth of Belgian chocolate, formed into the puckered likenesses of an asshole trio? I know mine are, so maybe you should stop being such a cheapskate, cheapskate.

 

Climax Chocolate Bar With Kama Sutra X-Rated Scene

Cirque De Soleil meets Debbie Does Dallas.

 

For those that need something a little more refined in their smut-emblazoned chocolate treats, Climax Chocolates has a variety of Kama Sutra Position Chocolates for a mere $4.80 apiece. It took me a solid (milk chocolate?) five minutes to figure out which leg belonged to which sexual partner here, and that’s how you know it’s worth giving. Delight your lovers and confound your enemies – they’ll never accuse you of rummaging around in a Spencer’s adult toy clearance bin if you come bearing this puppy.

While they aren’t overpriced roses, there’s no doubt either one of these will leave a lasting impression on your special someone. Definitely lasting. Yep.

 

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Water Balloon Edition

Random fuckery update – apparently the husband has come to something resembling his senses and started wanting my amazing (let’s be honest here) ladyparts again. We’re doing better now and I am less like an angry wolverine in terms of libido, but we’ll see how it goes in the long run. Thanks for everyone who lit dildo candles for me or something, cause it worked. <3

You know when you see one of those things that makes you go “Oh! Right! I’m living in the future. Cool!” and stare in fascination? That’s me with the Soloflesh Water-Filled Masturbator. I’m pretty sure if I had a Soloflesh I’d just spend all day filling and refilling it, watching a nicely-shaped ass randomly appear and disappear in my bathroom sink. This really cool male masturbator is essentially a sexy water balloon, only with way more natural curves and aesthetics. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but seriously, watch the video and tell me you aren’t fuckin mesmerized by this shit:

 

 

I like it because it gives users discretion but still offers access to a something-approaching-real-size ass and pussy toy, plus you get the nice feeling of warmth from the surrounding water. I can see this posing a real problem for guys with genital piercings, though – it’d be pretty awkward to have to explain the giant wet spot soaking your mattress without bringing theoretical urine into the scenario.  If your penis does not have unduly poky bits, you can pick up your very own Soloflesh Male Sex Toy for $155 USD.

 

But TC, you say, what if I don’t want to drop a bunch of money on a water-filled sex toy? What if I wanted to get mine from the same venue that dispenses candy bars and condoms of questionable durability in truck stop bathrooms? Ahh, my friend, you should know me better than that. Of COURSE I have you covered. Meet the Willaboo water-filled masturbator – it’s cheap, fun to say AND fun to hump.

 

 

Considering you can pick up 5 of these for less than $30 AND they come with lube packets and inflating straws (which make them look sorta like perverted juice boxes, but whatever), that’s a downright bargain. Oh, and they’re recyclable, though I’m not sure I could look my trash guys in the eye if I had a can full of empty bottles and sad, spent masturbators out in front of the house.

 

Willaboo Inflatable Masturbator Instructions

 

 

And, by the by, if the name of this male sex toy made you recall web comic Perry Bible Fellowship’s infamous “Weeaboo” strip, you aren’t alone.

As with most WSTOTW posts, I’ve learned something new this week. There is a porn site devoted entirely to balloons – mainly of the grainy video amateur variety – called Loonertube. As one weird thing leads to another, I discovered that BalloonBuddies.com will send you a whole baggie of new inflatable sex partners (emblazoned with sexy cartoon logos, natch) for around $25. The descriptions list the type of latex the balloon is made of, emphasize the “neck” you’ll get to enjoy, and other fascinating ‘looner terminology*. This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that I’ve been unsurprised by a fetish but genuinely startled by how organized it’s devotees are.

*b2p = blow to pop, which can ironically be pretty easily used in other fetishes. It sounds like a futuristic lollipop. I’m going to start incorporating it into daily conversations.

Insert a “full of hot air” joke here because I’m too lazy to do so – we’re out of half-and-half and that means TCs have not had their coffee and are still growly. Hope you enjoyed this Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week!

 

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Sex Toy Review: Erotic Love Slime Bath from Sweet Evil Industries

I enjoy making messes in enclosed and/or easily cleaned spaces. Massage oil on a tarp? I’m on it. Water balloons outside? Yep. Combine it with sexy time and a relative reassurance that none of the messy medium’s going to end up inside my lady parts and I’m pretty damn happy. When Sweet Evil Industries tossed me an email about reviewing their Erotic Love Slime Bath, I was all over it. After a brief tete-a-tete regarding the scent – I’m okay-ish with coconut, but the husband gets headaches, so we went with juniper instead – and a few days later, I had an exciting little box to look forward to.

Having done the trade show  bit, I appreciate quick takeaway versions of products like these, so I was happy to receive not only a traditional full-size box of love slime but a dual-sided glossy paper with samples of both the Love Slime and Love Gel stapled to it. (I’m saving that for a video review in the future!)

The Love Slime Kit LoveEvil sent to me!

The Love Slime Kit Love Evil sent to me!

The night came where I had the time and inclination to give the product a whirl, so I ran my bath about half full of warm water and snagged the box. It contained a single plastic pack of the love slime powder as well as a sheet of instructions – essentially, fill the bath halfway, watch out because it’s holyfuck levels of slippery and don’t, like, eat it. Okay. I think I’m up to the task here.

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The contents of the Love Slime box.

I snipped off a corner of the dayglo green powder packet, pouring it in slowly and evenly around the water.

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Here we go!

At first, I wasn’t very impressed because it all seemed to sink to the bottom of the tub and just kinda…stay there. I could put my hand in the water and chase the thin layer around the floor of the tub, but the water itself wasn’t changing at all that I could see. If I “picked up” some of the bottom layer by scooping it in my hand, I could feel the viscosity. That felt cool, so I kept doing it – and that mixed up the Love Slime enough to “evolve” it into a whole tub sort of thing.

The Love Slime forming.

The Love Slime forming.

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Love Slime in action!

Once I got in the tub and moved around a little, the viscosity increased to the point where even the “normal” water that wasn’t on the base of the tub was getting in on the party. It started becoming obvious when I picked my hand up out of the water, which oozed off of it. The water got thicker and thicker until it was roughly the consistency of Light Karo Syrup, and being in the middle of it was pretty damn cool. I was “slimed” all over, and it held the heat of the bath and made my skin feel pretty good to boot. Hey – I liked this stuff!

Then, after I cautiously let the goopy water drain with a silent prayer to the gods of outdated plumbing, it was time to get out. My husband looked on, bemused, and told me that I had to live in the tub now because he wasn’t helping me out – did I mention he’s a sadist? If you’ve ever spilled silicone lubricant on a non-porous surface, you have the beginnings of understanding what I was dealing with. I was in a lubed tub with no handholds, and getting my feet under me was not a secure possibility. I eventually had my husband hand me the showerhead and, turning it on to the masturbation stream setting, I was able to sort of blast the slimy residue away. Mostly. Enough to stand up.

It is water soluble, definitely, but the problem is that the greenish color isn’t really visible once the bulk is drained off, leaving you with invisible patches of “holy shit” that will land you in the ER with an interesting story if you aren’t careful. This persists, drying and surprising you when it gets wet during subsequent showers, so wash the hell out of your tub or leave the shower going a bit when you’re done. It rinses off of *you* just fine, and quickly, but you’ll have to pay a little more attention to your tub and warn any other tub-users to be careful for the next few showers.

I’d recommend Love Slime. My husband and I thoroughly enjoyed our experience with it and he’s already asking me to do it again, so I’d call that a success. The scent was light and non-fakey, the slime did precisely what it said it would, and the extra time with warm water was awful nice. Plus, it’s FUN. Think of the possibilities – Ghostbusters slashfic, Ninja Turtles cosplay (just add sexy lingerie kneepads!) and garden variety sploshing!

Love Slime is available in Coconut, Vanilla or Juniper scents and can be purchased for $19.99 on the Sweet Evil Industries website.

 

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Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Toybox Edition

As long as there are toys and puberty-driven libidos and curiosity in the world, there will always be a slightly uncomfortable intersection of the two. Imprints are made, bodies are discovered, and before you know it things like vibrating rubber duckies are flooding (har!) the market.

 

And then, naturally, the overwhelming urge to stash, hide, obscure or otherwise disavow visual connection with the same buzzing toys that we smoosh in and around our genitals on the regular. Even long after we move out of the family home and set up boundaries in adulthood, we somehow still feel that urge to pretend we don’t have toys. What better way to hide them than with a…toy?

And then, of course, you have the toys that are both toys and toys. The I Rub My Duckie falls into this category, but it’s still a bit tongue-in-cheek. It could pass for a massager if it absolutely had to. You know what kinda can’t? The Cunnilingus Mcstuffins – er, I mean, Teddy Love here.

Teddy Love Vibrating Teddy Bear

See if you can spot the “discreet vibrating device”.

Teddy Love Vibrating Teddy Bear

Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.

Teddy Love Vibrating Teddy Bear

…ever.

 

My esteemed dildo colleague Epiphora presented the sexy interwebz with her own brutal takedown of Cunnilingus McStuffins Teddy Love recently as well, if you’d care to read more into Teddygate 2014.

Is this a little disturbing? To the mainstream, sure. But the marketing is the most offensive thing with fluff-n-stuff, in my opinion. Elsewise, he’s just an awkwardly-conceived hybrid of sex toy and stuffed animal, kind of like a mermaid that ends up with a fish head and human legs instead of vice versa. It’s a joke you cough a stilted laugh at and move on, unless you’re a plushie in which case you go looking for your wallet.

Besides, it’s hardly the most explicit stuffed-animal-you-can-fuck on the market…

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The Bound Dildo – A Pre-Roped Silicone Cock

Ya’ll know I’m a kinkster. I met ToySir because of kink and it continues to be a big part of our sex life, three years later. I have a virtual war chest of floggers, rope, vampire gloves, you name it. I also love Dildos (I’d say I’m a Dildologist, but some friends of mine have that field of study locked down already) and the more unique, the better. When my interests collide, I go a little fangirl-y, and that happened this morning.

I love Vixen Creations, I’ve worked with them directly in the past as a rep, but I have to hand it to Tantus Inc. when it comes to unique sculpture and marketing. They’re the evil geniuses behind the sparkly Vamp dildo, rolled out at the height of the Twilight vampire-fuckery craze. Behold their latest offering to the marketplace, by way of SheVibe – the Bound Dildo:

The Bound Dildo from Tantus

The symmetry appeals to my OCD, the textured rope appeals to my kink, and the silicone appeals to my lady business. This beauty is available in cream and brown as well, but I personally think black really nails the ‘feel’ of the sculpt. At only $59, this is a pretty unusual – and unusually pretty – faux wang that everyone that hearts kink ought to own.

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Dildo-Lurve + Tech = Yay!

Hello Toychickers! My fabulous friend Heidi comes up with the best sex toy news and info, she really does. She just shared this gem about a bionic strap-on dildo on Facebook, and I just had to share it with the rest of you guys. :)

Technical description image of the crowd-funded Ambrosia Bionic Strap-On Sex Toy.

Those that have been “sex toy fans” for the last 10+ years may remember the Mr. Man, the now-defunct (?) Jollies Pleasure Toys’ dildo with a hollow tube down the center for clitoral suction during dildo blowjobs. I thought that was an awesome idea, but this just takes it to the next level – assuming it functions as intended, of course. I love that sex toys are becoming more about the people using them and less of an excuse to pack ridiculous bells-and-whistles into the space of a shaft and balls. While showmanship (showpersonship?) has its place in the industry, toys should ultimately reflect the desires of those using them, not vice-versa – n’est pas?

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Weird Sex Toys O The Week: Promoting Bands Through Sex Toys?

The Rammstein Dildo Set was an odd little blip on my radar a few years back – I initially shrugged it off as a shock-value thing, but later learned that the individual dildos were molded from / based on the actual members of the band. Okay, props there – but was neon pink jelly the best medium you could come up with, guys? At least some fans had a healthy sense of humor about it – check out this low budget version of the Rammstein dildo box set, as imagined by a Facebook fan.

Then, today, I happen across a weird news story about another band – this time, a Metal band by the name of Ghost – going the sex toy route for the sake of promotion. Despite being less well-known than Rammstein, they’ve hit it out of the marketing park, as far as I’m concerned.  The Ghost Phallos Mortuus Ritual Box Set may set you back $200, but it comes with a custom metal butt plug and a silicone dildo that’s custom-made to depict the band’s frontman. Hell*, I know some places where you can’t get a plain metal butt plug and silicone dildo for that price, let alone themed as a set. (Betcha dollars to donuts that Divine Interventions had something to do with that dildo!)

*Pun Intended

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Weird Sex Toys O The Week REVIEW: Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

It should come as no surprise to those that know me to admit I have a genuine passion for the “unusual” in the adult arena. My foot vagina, despite being laden with phthalates and scaring the bejeesus out of me when I forget I left it in a drawer, remains one of my prized possessions. To that end, when the gent behind AbsoluteNaughty.com asked me if I was interested in reviewing sex kneepads, there wasn’t a moment of hesitation – I volunteered as joint-padded tribute before I was done reading the email.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

My package of passionate padding.

Okay, well, it looked harmless enough. My first impression was that the sex kneepads seemed very large, but I had virtually no experience with kneepads before in my life – of sex, construction or even sport variety – so I figured this was likely the norm. I trudged off to the bathtub to shave my legs because…well, yeah. I mean, I was going to photograph them and I didn’t want pictorial evidence of how lazy I am with periodic leg shaving. Usually my knees are just an obstacle course that I give half a mind to when I’m shaving. It’s just a nick collector, but this time I was forced to pay attention because that area would potentially be front and center. I noticed a few things:

1.) Knees are weird. They’re like lumpy potatoes.

2.) I now totally understood not only the intrinsic comfort of padding these suckers, but also maybe having the option to conceal them.

3.) I feel like I have big knees. Is that weird? They look like overgrown elbows.

4.) This – this is never going to be an erogenous zone for me.

I patted myself dry and wandered back over to the bed, where I proceeded to examine my new coital knee accessories, which I’d affectionately been dubbing “lingerie kneepads” to my friends on twitter. They arrive in an interesting and surprisingly sturdy (for a free sex toy bag, anyway) mesh drawstring pouch, adorned with an Absolute Naughty label.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

Front Side of the Kneepads – I got pink lacing, but there is also red lacing and plain black with studs available.

The front is a sort of triple-pieced black pleather type material, laced up like a corset with thick hot pink elastic cord. The back is just plain foam padding/backing. I was concerned that it was just going to tie around the top of the knee and kind of hang there like a tunic, but once I untied the cords I realized that there is a set of ties at both the top and bottom. This bodes well for actually staying on the knee.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

The top one’s flipped over to show the underside, here.

Again, I was struck by the size of them. I measured them, and my tape showed that they’re approximately 6″ wide to a side. I’m approximately a size 20-22, so my knees weren’t totally out of proportion, but it makes me wonder what they’d look like on a gal that was built a little less broad than I. The stitching was, much like the bag, surprisingly sturdy for an item that a lot of people would probably classify as a novelty.

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

The measurement. Ignore my weird measuring tape, the correct inches are at the top line.

The moment of truth? I tied them on, expecting that the elastic tie cords would cut off my circulation immediately, as the cords were just long enough to make a small bow. Much to my surprise, they didn’t. I don’t know if it’s because Absolute Naughty opted for a flat “satin” type elastic cord rather than a round one, but I was glad to be incorrect about this. They were present in my mind, but not in an annoying or unpleasant way. I took a moment to admire them, now that I was “suited up.”

Absolute Naughty Sex Kneepads

Tah dah!

And then….I stood up. My husband, on the phone with a friend of his, wandered into the bedroom and had to cover the mouthpiece to muffle a bark of laughter. Mind you, I was nude except for the lingerie kneepads, so I’m sure it was a sight to behold. I awkwardly walked over to him, looked down at my knees, and back up to his face before I confessed that I felt like a sexy ninja turtle. Because of their size and the way they tie on, one needs to walk carefully to prevent the top set of tie straps from rolling down the leg, and they end up feeling a little like leg armor as opposed to a sensual accessory while you’re on the move.

That being said, if you plan on posing on the bed or standing alongside it just prior to getting down (pun intended), I could see these being worked into a routine. They do offer the padding they advertise, and the thoughtful use of pleather and flat lacing over metal eyeholes and round lacing mean that you’re not dumping your body weight on painfully bruising hardware. Was I kneeling on a feather pillow? No. But if you’re going knees-to-the-floor, these babies could keep you in the game a little longer.

If you want a gag gift that isn’t festooned with cartoon penises but still gives a nudge-nudge wink-wink, these would be a cute, unusual and potentially very useful present. The pair I received is available with red, black or pink lacing, and a male version with a flat-studded strap is available as well.

All four varieties of sex kneepads can be purchased via AbsoluteNaughty.com for  $30 – $32.00 USD.

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UPDATE: Weird Sex Toys O The Week – “Foot Masturbators” Edition

I get a disturbing amount of hits for a foot toy post I made about 3 years ago. I know foot fetishists tend to be a passionate bunch, but I’m surprised I continue to get “play” from what I consider a pretty old post. That being said, I like to give my readers what they’re looking for! I’m sprucing up my old post and adding a couple of new toys for all my “sole” brothers (and sisters!) out there – this way, everyone can see at a glance the foot-shaped sex toys available on the market.

The Jesse’s Senso Foot Masturbator – $44.09 on Amazon

Doc Johnson Belladonna’s Foot Soldiers – $44.22 on Amazon

Penthouse® Pet Collection Justine Joli CyberSkin® Foot Job Stroker – $51.64 on Amazon

Pipedreams Basix Rubber Works Little Piggies – $35.90 on Amazon – Solid foot replicas.

Femme Foot Fatale Flesh – $40.99 on Amazon – A female foot shaped butt plug with textured graduation.

I’m sad to report that as of 3/19/2012, the Sifeet Pussyfoot (from the now-defunct Pioneer-Products.com), Kaylani’s Foot Fetish (from California Exotics) and the Serenity’s Little Piggies (from Pipedreams) all look to be discontinued or no longer available. The four items above were the only foot-shaped sex toys I could round up.

Do you know of or manufacturer other foot-shaped sex toys? Please comment below and I’ll be happy to add them!

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WSTOTW: Wangpants Edition

I love the idea of strapping on. There’s just something about running around the house with a wang bouncing up and down that’s just, well, fun to me. (I realize that it’s a much more serious ritual to some individuals and couples, whom I hope won’t begrudge me a little levity when it comes to dildos. ) That being said, the method of attachment seems to be at least as important as the toy involved, and some solutions are better – and more clever – than others. Here’s a trio that have caught my eye:

The InHerTube Rubber harness, great for vegans and non-leather-wearers! Made from recycled innertubes by an especially talented artist. $70, InHerTube.com

InHerTube.com Rubber Dildo Harness

InHerTube Custom Dildo Harness

The Spareparts Joque harness, made of “swimsuit” material with surprising durability. (Own one of these myself and it’s awesome!) $100, Babeland.com

Spareparts Joque Harness

Spareparts Joque Harness

The RodeoH Brief harness, with an ingenious design that looks like, well, not a harness! $45, RodeoH.com

RodeoH Brief Dildo Harness

RodeoH Brief Dildo Harness

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