Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #11 – “Anatomical Anomaly” Edition

A naked lady or nude gentleman can be an enticing and lovely sight to behold. Narrow the viewpoint on certain closeups, however, and what looked great in panorama begins to look like an H.P. Lovecraft brainchild when truncated.

1.) Brea’s Pocket Ass – it takes a moment to realize wtf is going on here, but apparently Brea has reached behind her, stuck an index finger in her backdoor, and is holding it open for the user. However, minus the cheeks and the rest of her hand for orientation, this ends up looking distractingly disturbing. Get your fill of fingerbutt for under $20! *

2.) This is supposed to emulate fucking both Lindsey and Lacey Love, the infamous twins of porn, at the same time. Rather than finding it stimulating, my brain wanders to considering exactly what sort of contortions the rest of their bodies have to twist through to get their naughty bits this close together.  I’m not one to knock legal sex practices (only illegal ones if you count the backwards states that throw the book at sodomy), mind you, but what do you do with this, exactly? Switch back and forth? Share it with a gymnastically-inclined friend?

3.) Would you like that WTF in a portable size? Well, here ya go! This one is Carmen and Austyn, if they had been joined at the pelvis, and shrunk to doll-like proportions. Only $39.95 and you too can tote this sleeve o’ weird wherever you go. *

4.) Ah, the titty blowjob – favorite of many. The placement and orientation of the various parts in this toy, however, seems to lend itself to the imagery of poking a giant unwelcome wang into a party of friendly underage pygmies doing body shots off one another.  The mouth doesn’t look like it belongs to those breasts, and everything’s so crazy small it borders on sex with barbies.


*If you’re really looking to buy these things, use code 25offone at checkout and you’ll get a discount.

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #10 – “Va jay Jay” Edition

While these products aren’t exactly sex TOYS, I figure they deserve a nod for being directly involved with the naughty bits.

The Va J-J Visor! I was immediately given to scrubs-like daydreams of zooming these aerodynamic little pods across a table in a futuristic drag race. Meant to shield the inner labia from razor slips or while tanning/waxing/laser-ing, I have to admit that while the idea is a bit unusual it’s probably quite useful.  A six pack is less than ten bucks, here.

The second entrant into this week’s WSOTW is even more funny to me than it would be to most people, because it reminds me of a long-running inside joke between the guy and I about an imaginary affair named Coochia. The Cuchini is…well..you put it on your girlbits when you’re going to wear tight clothing to prevent the dreaded cameltoe. They have a mascot the likes of which I’ve never seen. The Cuchini is an…..idea…and a relatively inexpensive one at four dollars. Bonus: you can anonymously send one someone who doesn’t seem to get your increasingly non-subtle hints.

Betty Beauty quite literally covers a concept that hadn’t been successfully dealt with previously, at least with such a user-friendly marketing campaign. A way for gals that dislike waxing, threading, or laser-ing their nether locks away to style their bush proudly, these dyes enable her vee to sport a rainbow of colors, from demure natural hues up to a blazing hot pink. Made for private parts, they eliminate the need for worry caused when migrating regular hair dye tenatively “downstairs”.  Color your pubes smurf blue for only $14.99!

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Since I got a good response from my readers in my last WSTOTW for posting additional freaky links, figured I’d toss a few in here, too:

On principle alone, this book is one I want to own. Also, I might change the tagline of this blog to read “It’s difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead.”

While this is hardly a new link to the intarwebz, I have to give a nod to these adora-freakin-ble plush uterus toys on etsy.

And, of course, there are these – because how often does one get to use the phrase “explodes into little vaginas on impact” outside of hentai?

….And because this post has been a bit lady-centric….here ya go, guys – a penis tee shirt!

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #9 – “Inflatable” Edition

Inflatable sex dolls have been around for a looooong time. Pool toys with orifices, these vinyl vixens carry on truncated careers as policewomen, nurses (how exactly does one “perform like a surgeon” in BED? Ooh baby, slice me up…?), and even airline stewardesses before givin sweet lovin to their amorous partners. This is a collection of some of the varieties I’ve come across that I feel are a bit…over the top.

Bree Olsen Rawhide Hottie

While I know the doll is probably actually attractive by blow-up doll standards, what gets me is the outfit – I just imagine a man somewhere in a bedroom sporting an impatient hardon while he’s dressing up an oversized barbie with a permanently surprised mouth. I’m not one to thieve non-manufacturer pictures, but you can take a gander at the fringe-y top and skirt here.

Agent 69 Love Doll

Okay, okay. All of a sudden a top and skirt don’t look so odd when faced with the virtual arsenal of non-sexual accessories this high-maintenance gal seems to tote around with her.  A bikini top, bikini bottom, thigh holster, toy gun, sunglasses, vibrating bullet, removable genitalia, foot pump, and storage bag  just seem a little…much. A toy gun? Really? Is this for men who like to relive their childhood during masturbation?

Goo Gobblin’ Granny

As (un)usual, I’ve saved the …best?…for last. With instructions that could either be cheeky or serious, the user is instructed to only inflate the doll halfway for “best results”. The removable teeth really make the sale, I’m sure, even if it might be a little awkward to pitch in a brick and mortar store.

On a final note, I leave you with a few WTF (with a huuuuge F) links to pictures of actual inflated blow up dolls, courtesy of Blow Me Up Sex Dolls:

She just walked in to find her lover with another woman, soap opera style: “OMG!

For those out there with a dental-checkup-while-fucking fetish: “Have you been flossing?

…And the award for -Creepy Resemblance to Valerie Bertenelli- goes to: “This Gal!

As the wind blew his wig off, Miguel gasped, knowing he’d never win the pageant now. “O noes!

An unfortunate stigmatism ruined Shelly’s dreams of becoming a makeup artist. “Is this too pink?”

Cut off in traffic on her way to the bondage convention, Angela gestured angrily. “Hey Asshole!

While bigfoot had managed to elude them, the hunting party snagged his mate. “Ook?

Sometimes, the work dries up and muppets pursue employment elsewhere. “No, I work ON Sesame Street.”

Courtney Love took some ill-advised merchandising deals in the 90’s. “I got your HOLE right here…

Mick Jagger slept with a lot of groupies, but he’d never forget the paternity suit from “No Neck“.

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #7 – “Admiration” Edition

So, sometimes there are weird sex toys that make me raise an eyebrow but yet I still want to squeak fangirlishly over. Just because something has an odd shape or it’s something that doesn’t appeal to me, it doesn’t mean it isn’t delightfully well constructed and worthy of praise. I had the wonderfully unique opportunity of making the acquaintance of a certain fellow business gal recently, of Wolf Princess Designs.

Her site is still in progress, but I can assure from what I’ve seen of her work that what’s on there is the tip of the iceberg. Gorgeous harnesses, “furry” earpieces, cleverly curled faux animal tails, and, of course, a bunny harness. What is a bunny harness, you may ask?

bunny-strapon-double

It’s vegan friendly, which is so hard to find in harnesses that this alone is worth mentioning. The pink faux fur on the front is charming and the tail SQUEAKS, for goddess’ sake. Squeaks. Can’t you see two nubile young nymphs cavorting about in nothing but these harnesses? I know *I* can.

ladyslipper2

My friends know I have nothing but love for the incredibly awesome Maine-based WhipSpiderRubberWorks. They are responsible for the Tentacle and the Easter Island Head Butt Plug, and now this gorgeous hunk o’ silicone here, the Orchid. Shaped like the real thing, it’s made for gals (*ahem*) who enjoy external stuff more than internal. The back cavity is made to hold a bullet of YOUR choice, and isn’t molded in as some silicone vibes unwisely do. I’m in lust with this little toy.

queenbreast-text

From the makers of the Sifeet Pussyfoot, they also sent me along a Queen Breast to play with. As my buddy AAG points out, they aren’t exactly sex-able if you only have one, but it’s damned cool. I’m a DDD/F cup, so I had the added bonus of knowing intimately what breasts of this size should feel like, and I’ll be damned if it’s not eerily real. Even the nipple. Getting it delivered in cold weather when you’ve forgotten it’s coming is a little weird, though – imagine reaching blindly into a box to grab what feels all the world like a severed breast, before coming across the friendly rounded bottom of it. It was almost CSI:NJ in my hallway.

-TTC out.

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Weird Sex Toys O The Week #6 – “Foot Masturbators” Edition

Rather self-explanatory, there’s a whole subculture in the adult toy world cashing in on titillating tootsies. Personally, I am completely on the other end of the spectrum as far as liking feet goes, but to each their own!

Update, July 2009 – You foot fetishists are a dedicated bunch! Despite this post being written in -February-, I’m still getting a bajillion hits a day searching for “Serenity’s Little Piggies” or “Sifeet Pussy Foot”. Never one to ignore the needs of fans, I’d like to offer an additional peek at a NEW foot toy, a mold made from Adult Film Star Justine Joli. I’ve added the picture to the gallery below!

And so I present (with misgivings): Serenity’s Little Piggies, Kalani’s Foot Masturbator, Jesse’s Senso Foot Masturbator, and the fairly well-known Sifeet Pussyfoot.

I have no problem with foot fetishists per se; but the disembodied vaginas always freaked me out enough…these just..border on CSI props.

-TTC

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #5 – “AVN 09 WTF” Edition

For the thousands of you fine readers that slavishly hang on my every update, you are clearly already aware I’ve been in Las Vegas, Nevada up until yesterday evening. The show was the usual mix of poorly-conceived prototype toys that are in no way ready for debut, approximately 86.2 billion herbal “supplements” hawked by hyperactive young men, and a large variety of non-English-speaking Asian manufacturers that wouldn’t know dental hygiene or personal space if either were to hit them upside the head.

Thankfully, though our freaky neighbors to the east produce things that few of us would dare to incorporate into our bedroom acrobatics, they provide endless entertainment. Two of the strangest items I turned upstart up my WSTOTW: AVN 09 WTF Edition.

May I present:

  • Rape Cloth (A VERY unfortunately named tearaway cloth with an equally unfortunately translated description) and
  • The Sex Counter Cock Ring (Sex not impersonal enough? Not enough pressure to perform? Worry Not!)

And, of course, our stateside brethren had contributions of their own:

  • GoGo Tape – Tired of trying to juggle drywall calculations, affirmation of construction-trade gender and social stereotypes, and enabling sexual harassment lawsuits at the same time?
  • The Snatch Snorkel – I physically possess one of these from the show. It’s packaged in a plastic ziploc-knockoff sandwich bag with half a sheet of printer paper stapled to it. It looks like a sad refugee from a medical supply warehouse closeout sale. Further, a few new Canadian friends and I, whilst poking at it, conjectured it wouldn’t work. The tubing works in medical settings because air is being mechanically pushed through it..natural breathing requires a larger tube, hence why snorkels are considerably larger in diameter. So, if you have a fantasy of vaginal suffocation while looking like a tool, by all means, partake in this dubious design.

-TTC

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week # 4 – “Not a Good Idea” Edition

This week’s edition of W.S.T.O.T.W. is dedicated to poorly designed or executed concepts that have a good potential for users needing therapy of both the physical and mental variety.

(I was going to link the Baby Jesus Butt Plug from Divine Interventions, but it seemed a bit perverse of the holiday spirit, even despite the blasphemous giggles it never fails to produce for moi)

First up – two offerings from a company well-known for controversial toys. A WTF combo platter in the form of anatomically correct horse, WHALE (yes, whale), and dog dildos, as well as an incomprehensible mess of genitalia worthy of a horror movie aftermath, affectionately called the Concubine masturbator. While I’m sure there are folks out there that enjoy these, and I don’t mean to rain on their sexy parade here, wow. Just…WOW.

Secondly – A little (not really) toy that I worked on this week and immediately decided would be making the WSTOTW cut. Doc Johnson’s Titanmen Rough Riderz toys are medium to large butt plugs mounted on….an inflatable ball. Because anal sex toys and circus antics seem like a great combination, I suppose. I can’t even remotely consider this safe, even for seasoned anal players. You trip, you slip, you go sideways (all very real possibilities, as you should be very well lubed for large toys, and lube gets everywhere) and all of a sudden it’s time for a trip to the Emergency Room and concocting an unbelievable story about sitting on a bottle en route.

And lastly, as much as it pains me to enter a silicone toy into the ranks of WSTOTW on the basis of construction design, Ophoria’s Glo Dildos make the cut. I know for a fact glow in the dark silicone exists, because Whipspider Creations uses it most attractively in several of their toys. So why on -earth- would you conceive of an overly complicated system of a hollow inner canal in a translucent dildo, a plug, and children’s party favor lightstick bracelet parts? The dildo itself doesn’t glow at all! Add that to the fact that they won’t come out and say it can be boiled anywhere on the packaging or website (one of the best properties of silicone toys, and why a lot of people buy them) and keep calling it “Pure Japanese Silicone” – whatever that means – and you have our last WSTOTW entry.

Keep the weird toy suggestions coming, guys!

-TTC

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Weird Sex Toys O’ the Week #3 – “Flower Fucking Edition”

Hello everyone – it looks like my intended weekly weird sex toy feature is becoming more of a monthly venture! That being said, I bring you without further ado, WEIRD SEX TOYS! This week we have talking things to stick your penis into, and the most fuckable Ikebana ever produced in the history of my blog.

Teagan’s Sweet Talking Ass: Because when you’re screwing a disembodied anus, it ought to be able to at least hold up a conversation.

Talking Sheep: First, you could blow her up and screw her. Then, you could blow up a tiny pocket version and screw her. NOW…she baahs when you stick your penis in her.

And, for a special treat, a bouquet of inexplicably flower-shaped male masturbators: Kaylani Lei’s Ruby Pussy, Lotus Collection Mini Flower, Stroker Bud, Gina Lynn’s Wild Pussy, Black Orchid Masturbator, and Daisy’s Playpal.

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Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #2 – “Weird Stuff To Put In Your Mouth” Edition

While I did not have as many *incredibly* strange things this week as I did last week, there’s still a few that need to be displayed to the public for proper wtf-age.

First up: The double ball gag – a true puzzle of a toy for power-exchange enthusiast couples! While perfect for a pair of BDSM ‘switches’, it makes one wonder who’s calling the shots?

And again in the ball gag department: For all you Doms/Dommes out there with a secret cartoon cat scenario fetish, how about trussing up your sub to look like they’ve got a mouthful of misdirected songbirds?

And of course, for all of our quadriped-romancing friends out there – ever get tired of lugging around that full-size inflatable barnyard animal? Tired of the strange looks on the subway? Why not try the more discreet Lovin’ Lamb pocket size?

Any suggestions for next week? Know of a CRAZY toy that might not have made the rounds yet? Drop a comment!

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