UPDATE: Weird Sex Toys O The Week – “Foot Masturbators” Edition

I get a disturbing amount of hits for a foot toy post I made about 3 years ago. I know foot fetishists tend to be a passionate bunch, but I’m surprised I continue to get “play” from what I consider a pretty old post. That being said, I like to give my readers what they’re looking for! I’m sprucing up my old post and adding a couple of new toys for all my “sole” brothers (and sisters!) out there – this way, everyone can see at a glance the foot-shaped sex toys available on the market.

The Jesse Senso Foot Masturbator

Belladonna’s Foot Soldiers Sex Toy

Femme Foot Fatale Sex Toy

Justine Jolie Foot Job Stroker Sex Toy

Basix Little Piggies Foot Masturbator

The Jesse’s Senso Foot Masturbator – $44.09 on Amazon

Doc Johnson Belladonna’s Foot Soldiers - $44.22 on Amazon

Penthouse® Pet Collection Justine Joli CyberSkin® Foot Job Stroker - $51.64 on Amazon

Pipedreams Basix Rubber Works Little Piggies - $35.90 on Amazon – Solid foot replicas.

Femme Foot Fatale Flesh - $40.99 on Amazon – A female foot shaped butt plug with textured graduation.

I’m sad to report that as of 3/19/2012, the Sifeet Pussyfoot (from the now-defunct Pioneer-Products.com), Kaylani’s Foot Fetish (from California Exotics) and the Serenity’s Little Piggies (from Pipedreams) all look to be discontinued or no longer available. The four items above were the only foot-shaped sex toys I could round up.

Do you know of or manufacturer other foot-shaped sex toys? Please comment below and I’ll be happy to add them!

Weird Sex Toys O The Week (WSOTW) – Exhibitionist Edition

I have never personally used a glory hole. Taken out of context, it sounds like a delightful french pastry that commemorates liberation of some sort. It is not.

So when I got hailed on twitter by someone that has solved a problem that I never knew existed, I knew I had to share the good(?) news with you, dear readers. Much like blow job bibs, the portable glory hole seems to be gilding the lily a bit, but one can’t deny the sheer head-tilting simplicity of it. In a nut(ha!)shell, these self-proclaimed “Novelty Glory Holes” are pieces of what looks to be heavy duty vinyl or chloroplast (essentially the plastic version of corrugated cardboard, think election lawn signs) printed with the usual suspects in the glory hole location lineup. Jail, a bathroom, a brick wall and….a barn? Whether strung up as a flap in an open doorway or stood up like a fuckable piece of advertising from the movie theater, the time-honored tradition of tab A into slot B takes over from there.

Now for me, the part that piqued my curiosity was the T-shirts. Okay, a lot of “adult” companies have T-shirts – usually they allude to the product in a tongue-in-cheek manner. My hubby rocks my “Working Stiff” shirt from GearEssentials all the time, and occasionally I’ll wear the less-subtle “I Would Fuck Me” tee Xpeeps so kindly sent my way a bit ago. But these….these…they proudly proclaim the full website address right along the bottom, near as I can tell. In addition, the Glory Hole Store should be commended for helping this long-lost pair of unattractive fraternal twins find each other. My money’s on MS paint if the question of how they discovered one another pops up.

Want a portable gloryhole of your very own? It’ll only set you back $89.95, and can be found – as the twins so helpfully remind us – over at GloryHoleStore.com.

 

 

Weird Sex Toys Of The Week – There Are No Words Edition

Ladies and gentlemen;

While I strive to provide off-color humor and tongue-in-cheek commentary on this blog, I seldom wander over the proverbial edge. While I’m certainly not family-friendly by a longshot, I try and keep a modicum of classiness to this joint to ensure I don’t startle off skittish readers. There comes a time in every sex toy blogger’s life, though, that something so jaw-droppingly out of the ordinary skates across the radar that I’m compelled to mindlessly share it with you. *

It’s a shit dildo. There is no other way to say it. No, those of you in the back still clinging with panic to the notion that maybe I meant a poorly-constructed sex toy. I mean an ACTUAL shit dildo.

I won’t post the picture for those with sensitive stomachs, but you can view this…erm…very special toy here. Shit Dildo Link (Holy FUCK this is soooo NSFW)

…at…least…it’s…….silicone?

*kinda like that video tape in The Ring.

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week – Wang Bibs & Labia Makeup Edition

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, but there are a few WTF-worthy inventions that alert readers have pointed me to. Apparently, there is a market for festooning one’s favorite (or personal) wang with all manner of attachments that either ensure the testicles don’t get dribbled on (the horror) or, much like truck nuts, announce one’s dubious taste in self-expression in a…unique…fashion. Need a scented cock-mounted napkin that “masks body odor” after or during oral sex? We’ve got that covered too. Are your labia faded from years of wear? No worries – we’ll get that georgia o’ keefe back to a matte finish caribbean salmon in no time, courtesy of an unidentified powder that has been on TV and a website told me is totally safe!

I present: CockBib, via CockBib.com , The Lickie Dickie, via LickieDickie.com, and Labia Dye, via MyNewPinkButton.com

…enjoy?

-TTC

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week: Interesting But Odd Idea Edition

A sort of mixed bag this time around, this Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week was intended to be an “in development” version, but I could only find two things in development worth writing about! That being said, here are three sex toys – two in development and one on the market – that might take stimulation places you’ve never seen it go before.

1.) The “Talk2Me” Vibrator – This is an incredibly interesting concept – a rabbit vibrator that purrs in tune with your favorite songs’ bass in the shaft and treble in the clitoral attachment – but is backed by a strange company that seems to have neither the will, funds, or momentum to get it to market. The site’s been literally the same for the last three years, and any attempt to contact the makers is met with disinterested staff that seem to dodge questions like a nervous politician.  If you know more about it, do feel free to educate me because I’m terribly curious when it will be available. Calls and emails generally are not returned, in my experience.

2.) The Y Dildo – Originally pointed out on twitter by the fabulousness that is Megan Andelloux, this unusual silicone cousin of a dowsing rod purports to stimulate both the G-Spot and the Perineal Sponge when the toy is inserted..i.e. both prongs up the girlybits at once.  Check the site here!

3.) The Touche Vibrating Ice Dildo – This is actually on the market and purchaseable. Think of it as those tupperware make-your-own popsicle molds from the 80′s paired up with a vibrating bullet. (edit, 12/8/09 – I was searching in vain for an ice vibrator review that I knew AAG had written…would you believe there are TWO ice vibrators? I also present the Icegasm for your WSTOTW approval)

Enjoy the oddness! More to come soon

-TTC

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week – The Floating World Edition

One of my first days trying to re-locate back home saw me rushing headlong back into toychickiness,  in a familiar place playing trusty sidekick to Ms. Vera of For Your Nymphomation.  Along with the singularly lovely Ms. Wendy Blackheart (who – and you heard it here first – is a shameless cheeto fetishist) – I served as a super sexy, and still very tired, booth bunny.

While there was a bit of oddity, it was more of the fun, quirky variety that makes you go “Huh. Nice.” and kinda grin to yourself. I am by no means a painslut…hell, if I could get pillows reclassified as a flogging device, I would…I can still appreciate a nicely rendered tool. (Stop giggling. I know you’re giggling.)

My friend M. from Wolf Princess Designs debued a really neat cheeseburger gag – a rubber life size cheeseburger squeaky-toy (minus the squeak) mounted sideways on a vegan strap for semi-ironic and animal-friendly kinky fun. I regret that I have no picture of this delightful and original design, but the cell phone enforcement was hardcore…and not in the fun way!

Canes4Pain had  very cool “beach canes” -  particularly painful looking rattan sticks covered in sharp broken seashells from Sanibel beach in the proprietor’s native Flordia. In a thoughtful finishing touch, the handle is wrapped in rough nautical rope that can also be employed as the sadistic wielder sees fit. Covered in a special material that ensures all the shell bits stay put, the canes are proudly proclaimed to “easily cut skin”. Yeowch!

…and this last one, while it wasn’t at The Floating World, rounds out what I always try and make at least a trio of strange items. I’ve seen this idea in santa, in soldiers, in firefighters, and in policemen – and now proudly (?) continuing the tradition of wind up masturbation novelty toys, our very own commander in chief…

In a funny side note, I took some “artsy” shots of vintage arcade games on a trip to the shore awhile ago. There was an old brass “love meter”, the plaque of which is now my blog header. Basically, you would grip an egg-shaped handle with a trigger on the front of it as hard as you can to measure your “love strength”. While I’m sure this was a quaint and perfectly acceptable notion back in the 1920′s or so when the games first debuted…it only took one look at the handle to send the perverted mind of yours truly into fits of mental snickers:

P.S. – Okay, so I’m totally late to the party on this one, but if you haven’t heard, Tantus made a cool sparkly dildo called the Vamp that totally has nothing to do with Twilight. Nope. No Sir.

-TTC

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #11 – “Anatomical Anomaly” Edition

A naked lady or nude gentleman can be an enticing and lovely sight to behold. Narrow the viewpoint on certain closeups, however, and what looked great in panorama begins to look like an H.P. Lovecraft brainchild when truncated.

1.) Brea’s Pocket Ass – it takes a moment to realize wtf is going on here, but apparently Brea has reached behind her, stuck an index finger in her backdoor, and is holding it open for the user. However, minus the cheeks and the rest of her hand for orientation, this ends up looking distractingly disturbing. Get your fill of fingerbutt for under $20! *

2.) This is supposed to emulate fucking both Lindsey and Lacey Love, the infamous twins of porn, at the same time. Rather than finding it stimulating, my brain wanders to considering exactly what sort of contortions the rest of their bodies have to twist through to get their naughty bits this close together.  I’m not one to knock legal sex practices (only illegal ones if you count the backwards states that throw the book at sodomy), mind you, but what do you do with this, exactly? Switch back and forth? Share it with a gymnastically-inclined friend?

3.) Would you like that WTF in a portable size? Well, here ya go! This one is Carmen and Austyn, if they had been joined at the pelvis, and shrunk to doll-like proportions. Only $39.95 and you too can tote this sleeve o’ weird wherever you go. *

4.) Ah, the titty blowjob – favorite of many. The placement and orientation of the various parts in this toy, however, seems to lend itself to the imagery of poking a giant unwelcome wang into a party of friendly underage pygmies doing body shots off one another.  The mouth doesn’t look like it belongs to those breasts, and everything’s so crazy small it borders on sex with barbies.

*If you’re really looking to buy these things, use code 25offone at checkout and you’ll get a discount.

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #10 – “Va jay Jay” Edition

While these products aren’t exactly sex TOYS, I figure they deserve a nod for being directly involved with the naughty bits.

The Va J-J Visor! I was immediately given to scrubs-like daydreams of zooming these aerodynamic little pods across a table in a futuristic drag race. Meant to shield the inner labia from razor slips or while tanning/waxing/laser-ing, I have to admit that while the idea is a bit unusual it’s probably quite useful.  A six pack is less than ten bucks, here.

The second entrant into this week’s WSOTW is even more funny to me than it would be to most people, because it reminds me of a long-running inside joke between the guy and I about an imaginary affair named Coochia. The Cuchini is…well..you put it on your girlbits when you’re going to wear tight clothing to prevent the dreaded cameltoe. They have a mascot the likes of which I’ve never seen. The Cuchini is an…..idea…and a relatively inexpensive one at four dollars. Bonus: you can anonymously send one someone who doesn’t seem to get your increasingly non-subtle hints.

Betty Beauty quite literally covers a concept that hadn’t been successfully dealt with previously, at least with such a user-friendly marketing campaign. A way for gals that dislike waxing, threading, or laser-ing their nether locks away to style their bush proudly, these dyes enable her vee to sport a rainbow of colors, from demure natural hues up to a blazing hot pink. Made for private parts, they eliminate the need for worry caused when migrating regular hair dye tenatively “downstairs”.  Color your pubes smurf blue for only $14.99!

************

Since I got a good response from my readers in my last WSTOTW for posting additional freaky links, figured I’d toss a few in here, too:

On principle alone, this book is one I want to own. Also, I might change the tagline of this blog to read “It’s difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead.”

While this is hardly a new link to the intarwebz, I have to give a nod to these adora-freakin-ble plush uterus toys on etsy.

And, of course, there are these – because how often does one get to use the phrase “explodes into little vaginas on impact” outside of hentai?

….And because this post has been a bit lady-centric….here ya go, guys – a penis tee shirt!

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #9 – “Inflatable” Edition

Inflatable sex dolls have been around for a looooong time. Pool toys with orifices, these vinyl vixens carry on truncated careers as policewomen, nurses (how exactly does one “perform like a surgeon” in BED? Ooh baby, slice me up…?), and even airline stewardesses before givin sweet lovin to their amorous partners. This is a collection of some of the varieties I’ve come across that I feel are a bit…over the top.

Bree Olsen Rawhide Hottie

While I know the doll is probably actually attractive by blow-up doll standards, what gets me is the outfit – I just imagine a man somewhere in a bedroom sporting an impatient hardon while he’s dressing up an oversized barbie with a permanently surprised mouth. I’m not one to thieve non-manufacturer pictures, but you can take a gander at the fringe-y top and skirt here.

Agent 69 Love Doll

Okay, okay. All of a sudden a top and skirt don’t look so odd when faced with the virtual arsenal of non-sexual accessories this high-maintenance gal seems to tote around with her.  A bikini top, bikini bottom, thigh holster, toy gun, sunglasses, vibrating bullet, removable genitalia, foot pump, and storage bag  just seem a little…much. A toy gun? Really? Is this for men who like to relive their childhood during masturbation?

Goo Gobblin’ Granny

As (un)usual, I’ve saved the …best?…for last. With instructions that could either be cheeky or serious, the user is instructed to only inflate the doll halfway for “best results”. The removable teeth really make the sale, I’m sure, even if it might be a little awkward to pitch in a brick and mortar store.

On a final note, I leave you with a few WTF (with a huuuuge F) links to pictures of actual inflated blow up dolls, courtesy of Blow Me Up Sex Dolls:

She just walked in to find her lover with another woman, soap opera style: “OMG!“

For those out there with a dental-checkup-while-fucking fetish: “Have you been flossing?“

…And the award for -Creepy Resemblance to Valerie Bertenelli- goes to: “This Gal!“

As the wind blew his wig off, Miguel gasped, knowing he’d never win the pageant now. “O noes!“

An unfortunate stigmatism ruined Shelly’s dreams of becoming a makeup artist. “Is this too pink?”

Cut off in traffic on her way to the bondage convention, Angela gestured angrily. “Hey Asshole!“

While bigfoot had managed to elude them, the hunting party snagged his mate. “Ook?“

Sometimes, the work dries up and muppets pursue employment elsewhere. “No, I work ON Sesame Street.”

Courtney Love took some ill-advised merchandising deals in the 90′s. “I got your HOLE right here…“

Mick Jagger slept with a lot of groupies, but he’d never forget the paternity suit from “No Neck“.

Weird Sex Toys O’ The Week #7 – “Admiration” Edition

So, sometimes there are weird sex toys that make me raise an eyebrow but yet I still want to squeak fangirlishly over. Just because something has an odd shape or it’s something that doesn’t appeal to me, it doesn’t mean it isn’t delightfully well constructed and worthy of praise. I had the wonderfully unique opportunity of making the acquaintance of a certain fellow business gal recently, of Wolf Princess Designs.

Her site is still in progress, but I can assure from what I’ve seen of her work that what’s on there is the tip of the iceberg. Gorgeous harnesses, “furry” earpieces, cleverly curled faux animal tails, and, of course, a bunny harness. What is a bunny harness, you may ask?

It’s vegan friendly, which is so hard to find in harnesses that this alone is worth mentioning. The pink faux fur on the front is charming and the tail SQUEAKS, for goddess’ sake. Squeaks. Can’t you see two nubile young nymphs cavorting about in nothing but these harnesses? I know *I* can.

My friends know I have nothing but love for the incredibly awesome Maine-based WhipSpiderRubberWorks. They are responsible for the Tentacle and the Easter Island Head Butt Plug, and now this gorgeous hunk o’ silicone here, the Orchid. Shaped like the real thing, it’s made for gals (*ahem*) who enjoy external stuff more than internal. The back cavity is made to hold a bullet of YOUR choice, and isn’t molded in as some silicone vibes unwisely do. I’m in lust with this little toy.

From the makers of the Sifeet Pussyfoot, they also sent me along a Queen Breast to play with. As my buddy AAG points out, they aren’t exactly sex-able if you only have one, but it’s damned cool. I’m a DDD/F cup, so I had the added bonus of knowing intimately what breasts of this size should feel like, and I’ll be damned if it’s not eerily real. Even the nipple. Getting it delivered in cold weather when you’ve forgotten it’s coming is a little weird, though – imagine reaching blindly into a box to grab what feels all the world like a severed breast, before coming across the friendly rounded bottom of it. It was almost CSI:NJ in my hallway.

-TTC out.