So, the auctions I’ve been pimping, remember them?

I sold my stuff, which I’m happy about. Turned out really well, actually. However, there’s one thorn in my side that I can’t seem to dislodge despite my best devil’s advocations and self-admonishment to just forget about it.

I sold a masturbator. It was a cyberskin realistic pussy masturbator. Said masturbator had been in storage a long time, and came packaged in an open-top grey, thick foam box inside a cardboard sales box. As my “scratch and dent” toys went, it was actually in pretty decent shape. This is how they package this particular masturbator out of the factory.

I ship it very quickly, gets to the guy, I get an angry email that the toy’s “obviously been used”, and some heavy-handed hinting that failing to immediately provide both item cost and shipping cost refunds would result in negative feedback and a paypal filing. (eBay sellers don’t really have any rights these days, you see)

His reasoning? The toy had a “sticky, filmy substance” on it, and the “some of  ribs inside were split and cracked”.  We’ll get to the sticky stuff in a second.

“Ribbed” masturbators, especially ones with very tiny ribs on them (like this one in question), are made by people with no idea what a penis can do to something, even if it is stretchy. They are usually almost painfully tight (thanks china designers…) and if you even stick a finger in there to check the tightness, you’re going to split a ring or two. The toy will still be intact and usable, but this stretching is a natural thing that is going to happen with the majority of finely ribbed masturbators.  There is no way to visibly see the ribs on this particular masturbator unless you’re either turning it inside out or shoving two fingers in there and stretching it open, both of which will split ribs in the process. The ribs are so small that it’s pretty much impossible to feel if one is split by touch alone.

Now, the sticky stuff. If you’re not going to research what you’re sticking your wang into, it’s not my job nor am I morally or legally compelled to educate you, unless the wang-sticking involves me directly. Cyberskin sucks. It smells funny, picks up unwashable dirt like nobody’s business, is porous and harbors biological stuff no matter how well you clean it, will melt with almost any other toy it comes in contact with (including silicone), and…and here’s the charming part…it leeches chemicals. It’s the dirty little secret they never tell you on the packaging. Left to itself, it will actually begin decomposing and breaking down, oils and secretions leaking out of the pores like soap out of a microwaved dish sponge (but that’s actually good to do, mind you).

That little bottle of powder they include with fleshy toys? Until recently (Cyberskin Renew powder is talc free, in the interests of fairness. I do not positively know if they ever used talc proper.) it used to be talc, but some stopped this practice when talc was found to be causing ovarian cancer in women. See, what the talc was designed to DO to the fleshy toys, they claimed, was to make it more “lifelike”. What it was actually doing was soaking up the secretions like baking soda poured on a grease spill.  That’s right…they were covering up one harmful chemical with another and expecting you to continue poking your naughty bits in or around it.

So, that sticky stuff,  dude? It’s cyberskin coating itself with chemicals, a natural defense against your wang pokery.  You cracked the ribs when used the fuckin thing and decided you didn’t like it, I was NOT born yesterday, and now I’m out 40 bucks and shipping.

I hope you get a rash.

-TTC